"The more sophisticated the game, the more sophisticated the opponent." - Jake Green, Revolver

So, okay, I've been stressing and racking my brain about how my schedule, maybe even my life may change in less than a month....

I know, it's still school, and I've been through that before..but it's a different breed, it a level of sophistication that I've never been placed in before. The stakes are way higher this go around, but the prize is also more sweet. Only the strongest survive in this point of the game.

But besides all that doubt and nervousness, I'm still SO EXCITED that school is starting on the 2nd... lol. I don't know what's wrong with me: Is it the uncomfortable lecture chairs that you're forced to sit in, the heavy text books you get to lug around campus, the late nights up with French Vanilla flavored coffee, Hazelnut creamer, and three teaspoons of sugar.... ah, what is it that I love so much???! :). I guess I just love learning new things, testing new things, finding out what's right and why, and what's wrong and why, and then trying to do something to fix it! A big part of me can't wait to start TA'ing for someone and creating and grading tests and quizzes and stuff.... a smaller part of me is afraid of the social solitude grad school will require.... but it's worth it.. big time! Oh, I can't wait...just a few more weeks, ha, then listen to what i have to say then -- I'll be "man, look at all this I have to read!!" - lol.

5 am scramble

Just some stuff that I wrote down at 5 in the Morn today.... randomness.... :)\


-Like most games that include great risks, the rules are implicitly stated.
They are unspoken - sorta like - if you don't know them, you shouldn't be playing the game - not knowing the rules is not an option.

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I miss you more when you're here than when you're away

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I smell you when I breathe again. =>... that's one of the best parts!
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life takes soooo much.... but it gives more.

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Just to feel your touch...
Just to want to feel you...
Just to want you...
to want...just you-
beautiful.

Portraits of my mind

I wish I could take pictures with words....
I wish I could capture every single pixel of thought that I have...
when my thoughts are at their brightest.

I want these portraits so that I can look back, and experience the feeling that possessed my mind to want to capture this forever...

I want these portraits so that I can look at them now, and appreciate what I've had, what I have - how I've grown... and how I haven't...

I want these portraits because I want to know myself...from every angle that life takes.

But I don't know how to take pictures, I can only look at them, and admire the photographer...
I wanna take pictures...I wanna be a photographer.

Blue Mornings

Our schedules don't match.
You steal away in the middle of the night,
while my eyelids become cemented over my eyes.

They say "It's better that way" - I say:
'I miss the mornings'

waking to your arm over my torso,
or my breasts against your back.
That morning smell that is only captured in
the first hour of waking.
I miss the flutter of your lashes as you open your eyes -
which always seems like it's for the first time.

I'm patient though...more than most.
And I'm not hoppin' trains or jumping ship -
Like Brandy said "I wanna be down!", and I do!
I wanna be so low into you that...
I can't see any light from above, just you.
But sometimes I miss our mornings...

*just something I wrote b/c I had too much time on my hands last week - lol*

Amusment...

I don't like roller coasters, but it seems like I just keep getting in for the ride.... The road always looks smooth, but then there are surprise loops, twists and turns... get me off this damn thing!
Whatever happened to the age old merry-go-round - there was always smiles and tons of merriment to go 'round on that ride... but, instead, I'm on this twister, with screaming, gut filled hearts.... what a scary ride... but strangely, I'm always more happy I got on the roller coaster after...how ironic.

I just wish things could .. I don't know... just be... a little less real than they are.

I know that no one likes bland things;

A little bit of seasoning always makes something

Taste better;

However, sometimes I feel that I’m a little too seasoned

to taste good

salty-

like one taste and you’re ready to spit it out.

Too much seasoning, not enough flavor.

Bored in class... as always

I wrote this while sitting in class...um...bored. :) There isn't a title.


Strip for me
Not too fast….slowly
Strip away those material things
The things that hide you from me-
Bring me closer to you.
Take away the metals that change your polarity,
Making our souls resist what’s natural
Magnetic.
Tear off those fabrics which confine you –
Bind your imagination and the beautiful creation
Which is you.
Strip for me. Let me help.
Peel away the stress that cloaks your muscles,
Makes you obsessed with things other than me.
Expose to me the hunger that resides in your belly
So that I may attempt to fill you up, with love
In which you will never starve.
Unveil to me all those intriguing thoughts in your mind,
The captivating, alluring, amazing ones that draw me near
And earnestly, bare to me your soul.
Disrobe all insecurities or inferiorities –
I’m just interested in purity.
Please strip for me – For I have stripped for you
And I stand before you here, waiting….
Stripped, pure, naked.

I swear -- -if the technological world did ever decide to conquer the human world - I'd be one of the first people they would kill. I'm convinced that technology HATES me!! --- and I don't know why... I love it soooo much - that's why I have so many damn things! - Maybe that's why they hate me - because I own so much of it. Despite my many cameras who have decided that I am not worthy of taking pictures, My computer has decided not to turn on for me today - and even though it will only take a couple hours (and a couple hundred dollars) to fix it - I'm so sad, pissed, agitated... I can't believe this damn computer can make me feel like this! Maybe I really don't love technology - maybe I secretly hate it--- you know what they say... It's a thin line between love and hate.

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3.... This is a test.... This is only a test... This has been a test... Did you pass the test?
Seems as though I've passed the preliminaries... I've gotten pass the first round, almost - but yea. Time for round 2, (or 3, or 4... I mean, whose really counting... everything is ultimately a test right?) people always say that life is a test...but then those same people also say that everything in life is a choice... I guess that makes sense, since a test consists of a certain number of choices that you decide which is the right one. So many choices, so many tests... It's amazing how diligently we all keep going.... so ready for the next... so ready to prove ourselves to ourselves. Sometimes though, it feels like some tests are set up for the taker to fail - and it is only when they don't that really matters - they have all those hard, trick questions, and they place you in situations that NO ONE would ever imagine being in... and the people who don't "pass" aren't given a runner up "blue ribbon" - they are failures... they didn't make it - they lose.
I'm not a loser, but I have failed many tests in my lifetime....
I'm actually making a "wrong choice" right now... choosing to write this nonsense instead of the things that are due in class tomorrow.... :)... but sometimes I'm content in my wrongness. Like - so what if it's the wrong choice... it's still my choice right? -- that is so wrong.... lol. But - the choices that you make while taking the current test you are taking - whatever it may be - determines the next test that is presented before you... kinda like one of those decide your own ending books... (I LOVED THOSE BOOKS!!!) - each time you read them - you would die a different way - and sometimes, even though I made different choices, I still died on the same page! -- choices are so important in the big scheme of tests... and since life is a test (well, that's what everyone says anyway) - all these choices that I make... are important... But, I have one qualm with the "life is a test" theory... cause, usually, all the tests that I take have an ending... as does life, but, after it's over - you get to see how you did, if you passed or not. And while we can stop and take a look at our progress throughout life, up until the present, life isn't over, until it's over -- how will you know how you did? - how can you make it better for the next one? How can you improve? so, no, maybe life itself isn't a test - it just consists of many tests... and I guess you can just add up the sum total of all the correct choices from those tests, and average it all out and throw in a division of your age or some crap like that in there to filter out the outrageous choices made only during certain periods of life, and then, I guess, that number - or whatever you would measure it in, would be your "life score"... - It's all subjective though... my life score for myself would be completely different than the 'life score" that someone else would give me ... but for the record... I think I'm passing right now... way about 90th percentile... :) okay - I've went on a rant as always.. this isn't even what I set out to write about -I set out to write about how accomplished that I feel for getting into grad school - it's funny how things just jump out of your mind when you're writing.... lol... later for that post then... :)

Well, everyone else has started one so....(So, yea, i guess I would jump off the bridge... well, maybe not jump..but you know... get close enough to see what the big commotion is... lol)

so yeah... these are the days... I've left that open.. because, everyday is a day for something new... a new idea, a new thought, a new mystery to figure out, a new mini revolution... these happen at least once a day... and even though many people won't read this... I will, and I will be able to see my thoughts revolutionize from my mind... on to (page....no, screen? or where ever this stuff gets sent anyway)...

Sometimes I think I try so hard to think, that I just can't anymore. While this is a new day... I would like to start my blog with something that i wrote in my journal just a couple days ago - this will create the atmosphere and mood that I've been in (on and off)... it's really just a rambling of thoughts... one reason I decided to start a blog instead of keeping a journal.... blog just fits random ramblings better than journal...hmmm... okay... here it tis. :


Sometime in May 2008 (before this date obviously)

Learning to be alone- with just myself - with just my thoughts is going to take some getting used to . - I've been alone, no felt alone, always - but I've never learned to be alone peacefully.

How Sometimes I wish for those days - when it was just me - really just me - and teddy of course - so really, just me - playing, imagining, creating new worlds - and new messes. :) Will I ever get that back? that feeling of "good loneliness"? Of course, it was way more simple then - my thoughts didn't contain things I wanted to escape. My thoughts were my friends - but lately, they have been my enemy (making me face reality?) - and when I'm alone with this enemy - I'm terrified, petrified, stupified. I don't know how to battle her - she's too powerful for me - like Mr. X, only I cant control - the enemy. My thoughts, imaginations, visualizations run wild - but they have no where to escape to. They are encased in between my temples and scalp, and they rage through my body throughout my nerves. That is my only known defense - to keep them within - But God, if they aren't fighting, demanding to come out. i just won't let them - I just don't know how - because I have yet to learn to be alone - with myself - with my thoughts - with the enemy - myself...... So, with that said, goodnight as I escape - oce again to the darkness - where I can't haunt myself. One day I think I'd like to stay there - in the darkness - that is sleep...


okay - yea, so that was the shit that I was on about a week ago... now, here is some shit I was on bout 3 days ago (the color change is real, it's really in my journal, hehe.):

May 11th

I'm supposed to be writing a Sestina for poetry class as i write - but, fuck it -I have coffee - which means I have time.
I feel cluttered... Don't really know what that means - but that's how I feel. feels like..feels like my thoughts are like the remains after hurricane Katrina - all fucked up. "if you think you're lonely now" - I always thought that was a fucked up song. What is it about night time anyway? why do people always want to be with someone or a group of people at night - when in the daytime they are perfectly fine doing themselves? perhaps if the sun was out all the time there would be a lot less lonely people. - Just being silly.

I wanna be like T-pain and reach and ephiphany - --- or like Kanye - testify and touch the sky - I don't want to fall through the slots. I want to be that piece of metal shinning. what everyone was searching for - sifting, i want to be dug up and brought to the light - but - shit - I don't even know where I an, how can anyone possibly find me?
"Actions speak louder than words" - another saying that I live by . what I don't know though, is what to do when the actions are less than what you want - or if they are talking different languages than the speech....

I hate when people ask you random questions about how you're feeling, and you know it's because they are feeling that.. for example - questions that start like this:

- Have you ever?
- do you ever feel like?
- What do you think about?
Just stop the bullshitting and say what the fuck you wanna say:
- I've done...
- I feel
- I want to...

Sometimes I really hate the feelings that life elicits out of me - or anyone for that matter. Damn, I can never finish a thought.

Emotions rage through my body like the wave pool at raging waters, ripping through my consciousness causing me to drown in them - completely submerged. I don't wanna die this way....

Why do I always want to know the ending before I read a book or watch a movie? i guess its because its like life - we all know the ending - death -but its the way you reach the end that's the most exciting. I hope there's a sequel.