Well, everyone else has started one so....(So, yea, i guess I would jump off the bridge... well, maybe not jump..but you know... get close enough to see what the big commotion is... lol)

so yeah... these are the days... I've left that open.. because, everyday is a day for something new... a new idea, a new thought, a new mystery to figure out, a new mini revolution... these happen at least once a day... and even though many people won't read this... I will, and I will be able to see my thoughts revolutionize from my mind... on to (page....no, screen? or where ever this stuff gets sent anyway)...

Sometimes I think I try so hard to think, that I just can't anymore. While this is a new day... I would like to start my blog with something that i wrote in my journal just a couple days ago - this will create the atmosphere and mood that I've been in (on and off)... it's really just a rambling of thoughts... one reason I decided to start a blog instead of keeping a journal.... blog just fits random ramblings better than journal...hmmm... okay... here it tis. :


Sometime in May 2008 (before this date obviously)

Learning to be alone- with just myself - with just my thoughts is going to take some getting used to . - I've been alone, no felt alone, always - but I've never learned to be alone peacefully.

How Sometimes I wish for those days - when it was just me - really just me - and teddy of course - so really, just me - playing, imagining, creating new worlds - and new messes. :) Will I ever get that back? that feeling of "good loneliness"? Of course, it was way more simple then - my thoughts didn't contain things I wanted to escape. My thoughts were my friends - but lately, they have been my enemy (making me face reality?) - and when I'm alone with this enemy - I'm terrified, petrified, stupified. I don't know how to battle her - she's too powerful for me - like Mr. X, only I cant control - the enemy. My thoughts, imaginations, visualizations run wild - but they have no where to escape to. They are encased in between my temples and scalp, and they rage through my body throughout my nerves. That is my only known defense - to keep them within - But God, if they aren't fighting, demanding to come out. i just won't let them - I just don't know how - because I have yet to learn to be alone - with myself - with my thoughts - with the enemy - myself...... So, with that said, goodnight as I escape - oce again to the darkness - where I can't haunt myself. One day I think I'd like to stay there - in the darkness - that is sleep...


okay - yea, so that was the shit that I was on about a week ago... now, here is some shit I was on bout 3 days ago (the color change is real, it's really in my journal, hehe.):

May 11th

I'm supposed to be writing a Sestina for poetry class as i write - but, fuck it -I have coffee - which means I have time.
I feel cluttered... Don't really know what that means - but that's how I feel. feels like..feels like my thoughts are like the remains after hurricane Katrina - all fucked up. "if you think you're lonely now" - I always thought that was a fucked up song. What is it about night time anyway? why do people always want to be with someone or a group of people at night - when in the daytime they are perfectly fine doing themselves? perhaps if the sun was out all the time there would be a lot less lonely people. - Just being silly.

I wanna be like T-pain and reach and ephiphany - --- or like Kanye - testify and touch the sky - I don't want to fall through the slots. I want to be that piece of metal shinning. what everyone was searching for - sifting, i want to be dug up and brought to the light - but - shit - I don't even know where I an, how can anyone possibly find me?
"Actions speak louder than words" - another saying that I live by . what I don't know though, is what to do when the actions are less than what you want - or if they are talking different languages than the speech....

I hate when people ask you random questions about how you're feeling, and you know it's because they are feeling that.. for example - questions that start like this:

- Have you ever?
- do you ever feel like?
- What do you think about?
Just stop the bullshitting and say what the fuck you wanna say:
- I've done...
- I feel
- I want to...

Sometimes I really hate the feelings that life elicits out of me - or anyone for that matter. Damn, I can never finish a thought.

Emotions rage through my body like the wave pool at raging waters, ripping through my consciousness causing me to drown in them - completely submerged. I don't wanna die this way....

Why do I always want to know the ending before I read a book or watch a movie? i guess its because its like life - we all know the ending - death -but its the way you reach the end that's the most exciting. I hope there's a sequel.