I'm just trying to raise her

I'm just trying to raise her I wrote this back and just never posted it.. Raising girls in this society is so hard....

And I'm just trying to raise her,
higher than any man will ever make her think she feels
higher than that pipe that they will raise to her face
higher than that pole that they will tell her to climb...
than that invisible ceiling...
higher, higher, higher, and beyond everything that I've ever been....

Sin...dances around her, dances around me... and deep inside
I know, that's not the way to be -but
she's... not inside me anymore,
and I need to transplant this idea of virtue, and morality, in she -
where is this umbilical cord to which her soul I can feed?

Checked, no mate...

Where's  my soul mate? I deserve so much...  I know I do. I'm a good woman,  with a good soul,  and a huge heart....  Too big for me to even know what to do with it...  Too big for me to even realize that using it too much,  or rather,  lending it out to those in need,  is killing me slowly...  Slowing the rhythm and changing the beat to something I've never even heard before... 
I miss so much about life. I feel like I'm just fading away. My soul is so weak right now and I'm fighting hard everyday to strengthen it.  Friend,  soul mate,  teacher,  angel...  Whoever, where ever or whatever you are..  I really need you to help me right now.
I've spent so much of my life trying to help others understand and know themselves because I knew the feeling of void within myself growing up.  I've maneuvered through so many obstacles in my life with such ease,  I swear I started to think I might just be a super hero. I guess it all catches up to you somehow.... I always thought by now I'd have that person who I could and would share everything with.  Everything I've carried with me...  All my joys, all my tears,  all my failures and disappointments - everything that makes me who I am. And that they would love me,  just as I was,  and we would both share each others joys and struggles as if they were our own...  Like a sophisticated Bonnie and Clyde.

I guess all things in time.  I love myself,  and I love my daughter...  And I know she loves me...  And that's enough to keep my heart pumping 1000 years over...  It just gets really hard feeling like you're going at it alone sometimes.  Times like these  I respect my mother so much more.  She didn't get her Clyde either....  But us kids all Damn sure loved her with all of our hearts... 

Mom: I'm sorry you had such a hard start and finish to your life. You lived,  worked,  and loved so hard... I love you,  and I miss you everyday.  The older Aamayah gets,  the more I realize how hard it must have been for you to only see me as much as you did.  I always knew that you were working hard for me and my brothers and sisters. If i could,  as your daughter,  take any portion of that away I would...  The funny part about that though is...  I think we did take some of that away :) by just us being there.  Thank you momma,  for letting us be your hero's,  bc you Damn sure are one of mines...  I wish you were here..  But then again,  I know you never left. 

---emo rant, but I'm not sorry---

Throwback

 ( it qualifies since the original post was on a Thursday!)  lol.  

 

I was going through my blog, and came across this post from Fall 2009. Man… this was a crazy time in my life – in so many more ways than I can explain. It’s just so crazy to be able to go back and read what I was experiencing and going through – and even now – I can still feel each and every feeling that I had when I wrote this. It’s only now that I’m able to really sit down and dissect just EVERYTHING that I was dealing with at this time. I think the theme of Faith is revisiting me in my life again, and this time – I feel like I’m a little bit more informed, a lot more ready- and a lot less afraid of what might happen if I did leap into faith, but rather, more afraid of what may happen to me… my spirit- if I don’t.

original Post:

 

"Thursday, November 26, 2009

Faith Part 2

okay, so this is the part that's hard for me....


I had faith (see my previous post), and despite my devotion to it, alas, it has failed me... what am I to do now? restore my faith in... in what? Is that the rule? If you put all your eggs in one basket and it falls over, then pick up what's salvageable and find something else to put your eggs in? Sooner or later you'll run out of eggs, or storage places - neither of which sounds good.



I'm tired of believing.. I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of wanting..... I'm tired of faith! I don't know what it wants from me. It wants my soul - it wants me to give it everything - and it leaves me here empty - that is.. after it's taken my hopes, my dreams, even the security that I had in my fears, - after it takes it all, and just leaves me here... to fill up with hope again? Are you serious? I just can't do it anymore.


I'm tired of looking for faith - I've lost it -and I don't want to find it anymore. I'm just so tired..
I feel as though the universe is slowly pulling energy out of me through my eyes in the form of tears.... crying is so exhausting. My eyes are swollen, they are red from stress and frustration. My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my soul aches.... The only cure I have for this pain is to close my eyes... so I sleep, I sleep, I daydream, I keep my eyes closed for as long as I can to somehow alleviate the pain my eyes are causing me. I can't stop the tears... every waking hour is a battle between my mind, my throat, and those damn eyes.... My mind telling my throat, if you tense up long enough... you can stop the tears.. and my eyes laugh crookedly, telling my mind - this has nothing to do with you. I'm tired of fighting. I just want to relax, but I can't see clearly through these tears... and I'm so afraid, so lost.
I need to find my way again. Somehow I've stumbled onto this rainy street that looks so familiar, somehow I'd forgotten it was raining and didn't think to bring my umbrella. Never forget your umbrella.
Faith, please take pity on me. Maybe I'm wrong about what I want, but please show me the way - I can't take this anymore - it's too much, I'm not as strong as you've tried to build me up to be. I need your help right now, and you've abandoned me. (I feel like a faith-fiend, goodness) I just want to be me again...

Perhaps it's not faith that I'm having a gripe with, perhaps it's love, Perhaps its the realization that even if you want and believe in something so much - oh wait - no that sounds like faith, okay. It's time for me to stop feeding faith my eggs - it's time for me to learn to cook them myself.

Dream a little Dream

"Dreams are your heart's wishes" - unknown,


I truly believe this quote. I've had the same dream, for almost 6 years now... and I've let my mind mess up my heart's true desires far too many times - I've grown weak in letting my heart - and it's wishes fester. What is life really without a happy heart? - I'm taking steps to go after my DREAM. Period. Time to grow up and face the music. Just hope my dream can be a reality in this lifetime....I want this dream - and I want this dream to want me too.

Bart ride

Am bart ride 1/11/13 - thoughts that arouse today - during my Bart ride ....... Sime are lyrics, exerpts, or my thoughts-Hella random 

Sometimes you gotta learn to swim with no life guard ..... 

Should've said it then- now I gotta talk to clouds 

Can't stand a liar

Everything seemed less real after.... All a rouse, great acting. Take a bow when it's over. 

Re:Tammy's song - stop fuckih with "niggas" and get with a man, or tell him to get some act right! Lol

It's a lot of people in need of some act right rigt about now- I can't save em all though. 

Only yesterday was the time of our lives....

Sometimes it lasts in love- sometimes it hurts instead. Who would have known how bittersweet this would Taste :/- don't forget me, I beg. 

Ill sell a brick to a house - lol

What you choose me for? - pure bliss- 

Sometimes I miss her so much, that I try to forget about her- bc it hurts so much. 

Listen better!! 

You gave me a great and wondrous gift. You taught me how to listen... I'm learning to hone in on this skill- and to try harder to listen to myself, instead of others all the time. But thanks to you/ I can finally hear- I am not deaf to it. while it, nor myself is perfect... I am so grateful to have earned this ability.... It was a hard journey. Thank you got walking beside me through it- for that, you will ALWAYS remain in my being. 

Most times I'm alone, I cry 

Who gon stop me?!

The river (water) holds the music of life.... Listen to it to replenish your mind- wade in it to cleanse your soul. 

"Deepest understanding for all paths- all situations - all of life and the chaotic harmony and dance that it Creates" - me, inspired when reading Siddartha 

“I'm going into the forests, I'm going into the oneness," spoke Vasudeva with a bright smile.”

Excerpt From: Hesse, Hermann. “Siddhartha.” 

“That in all that searching, you don't find the time for finding?”

“because he is obsessed by the goal. Searching means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”

“Many people, Govinda, have to change a lot, have to wear many a robe, I am one of those, my dear”

“wisdom cannot be passed on. Wisdom which a wise man tries to pass on to someone always sounds like foolishness.” Knowledge can be conveyed, but not wisdom 

“A person or an act is never entirely Sansara or entirely Nirvana, a person is never entirely holy or entirely sinful.”

My Only hope is to find many people on this path to wisdom - and that I too- will be a teacher in their world. That they will look back at our interactions- and understand the gifts that we both have given each other by meeting each other at the times that we did on our respective journeys - me :) #napa 

Ill never forget napa - I learned the ills of jealousy there- first time I was able to use understanding instead of jealousy.... First time I didn't see green... It felt warm., and right.... And everything that followed felt the same way... I was forever changed on that day... I've had so many moments such as these- and the frequency that they have occurred only give me both fear and hope about the many other lessons That I will learn/ and all the tools that i will gain through wisdom that will combat any and all negative energy that I still recycle in me - that is recycled throughout this world. - me :)

Feeling feelings today 

He taught me that time was not real... That security is not real... These are all senses... All a feeling ... All in its own time- just as long as you stay true to you- he couldn't teach me that though - that is something that can I only be learned within ones self. #matrixisreal 

The matrix is real- are you? Snap out of it. Take control of your life, and make your world as you see fit. It's your journey - no one else's 

“you have to worship in him, in you, in everyone the Buddha which is coming into being,”

“all sin already carries the divine forgiveness in itself, all small children already have the old person in themselves, all infants already have death, all dying people the eternal life.”

When you're absent minded- it makes the people close to you feel like they're absent in your mind 

I'm still high

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley 

- My only hope is that I don't run them away by being afraid of.... just being afraid - period. Most of my deepest fears have been coming realities lately though - it's like I'm the superhero in my own saga, and I'm racing to save my life... all my sidekicks have put in their good fight for me, now - it's just me.. in the Belly of the Beast - me, at my lowest low - with all the tools that I've gained, and lessons that I was supposed to learn - this is it. This is the battle that I have been preparing for, unknowingly. After you've lost everything - this is all you have left - to fight with the passion that is left in you - because if you don't  - the passion will kill you itself. 

Back to the Future ? (Another Old Draft Post)

Ooooo - I'm sad I never finished this one.... it got too heavy though :/. I miss her so much.

So... I'm really about to completely copy someone -lol. I was on FB and saw a post about someone else's tumblr, and the person made a post responding to this:

"Explain your current situation to your five-year-ago self" - I thought that this idea was so amazing, and so... appropriate for me right now anyway. Sort of like myself today, giving advice to my past self, and in the process making my current self feel stronger? The way the person wrote it - was more like advice, telling their former self all the things they will accomplish, and all the things they can look forward to - I'm not sure how I want to format mine... Idk...but, I want to try it =) So, here goes.

to my 2006 self:

Damn... you're getting old! haha, well, at least that's what I know you're probably thinking right now. LOL. Nah - but honestly 23 me, your life is really just beginning. (hard to fathom considering all that you've been through already at this age). I want to personally thank you for being so strong during those years. I know it would have helped to have a shoulder, or someone to really talk to and understand you - but, in the absence of those things - I think we did a pretty damn good job! Some of your best memories are about to happen to you!!!!

Still haven't been on a plane yet have you? HAHAHA, that sounds so funny to me right now - trust me, you'll soon get over that fear fast! AND you'll travel the WORLD...well, at least some parts as of now - I'm working on the other parts. haha. You're going to go to Florida, Hawaii, Europe and see tons of different countries there. You're gonna get drunk off of beer - YES - I said BEER!!! who would have thunk it right?! Believe it or not - beer isn't nasty all over the world. Hahaha. You're mind is going to absorb so much from traveling... you'll never forgive yourself for not doing it sooner. A bit of advice - don't freak out the moment that you arrive in France...LOL... everything will be okay. Haha.

There are also some really life changing things that will happen in the next 6 years. You will have your heart broken... at least 2 times. You will loose someone that has been monumental in your life. When that happens, when you start to loose her - PLEASE...and I'm BEGGING this one of you.. Please don't let your fears get in the way of cherishing those last moments that you have with her. It's all real, She will pass, and you will never get to see, or feel her again - make the most....no matter what - you have the rest of your life to either be afraid, or live. Please choose life sooner - look at all the years you've wasted on not getting on a plane! lol

In My Drafts

I wrote this post a while ago - it was sitting in my drafts folder. I'm just going to post everything that is in my drafts... They have been there forever and I have yet to go back and complete them...and honestly  - I probably wont. It's so hard to go back to the middle of a passage or thought that you were writing, and get the same inspiration from the source... anywho - this was the post...:

I learned at some point this week that it takes real strength to cry. Let me try to explain what I mean:

Apparently feeling bad about something, anything, in this western world is taboo. We are so focused on 'being okay' that we don't let our emotions take us to places that we were made to go as human beings... if we weren't supposed to cry, our tear ducts wouldn't weld up whenever we felt the urge. Crying is a reaction that I get often to ANY extreme emotion that I feel - anger, happiness, sadness, loneliness, even love... it helps me to recognize that the feeling that I'm feeling, whatever it is, is real, and that it's effected me, in ways that not a lot of things in this world can.
Just the other day, my daughter and I were in borders and she was reading this book, something like "the book of good things...or things that make me feel good" or whatever, and in the book it said "crying when I'm said makes me feel good" - she read that line, and then read it aloud again, and then she looked at me and uttered... "crying when you're sad doesn't feel good! It feels bad!"... and me, trying to be the best mommy I can be and wanting to teach her every lesson that I know she can't comprehend yet, spent the next 5 minutes trying to tell her why it feels good to cry. I guess there's truth in the statement, "you learn while you teach".

Life Goals

I guess this stuff just aint my thing... I could just have too many expectations...just hope I figure this shit out before I die...

Scared of Lonely

"talking about my fear of being lonely -in relationships and in life... and how it's ultimately tied to fears of death and not knowing if you'll be lonely or not...


I realized that I am terrified ......"

I wrote this on May 3, 2009 -  it's been sitting in my drafts for all this time. The first line was supposed to be the theme of the post - and, the next line was my first line - I remember... I was really "terrified"...  This post and several others sit in my draft folder - I wish that I would have taken the time to really reflect on them at the time I wanted to write them, and finish them. Alas - there's no time like the present! Being that this "theme" has remained true throughout the time I wrote it up until now  - I feel like it's still a very worthy topic to explore for myself. 


I believe that what struck my writing bug to post this one was Beyonce's song - "Scared of Lonely"... I remember hearing that song - no...really - a lot of songs off of that album, and just bawling... I was in a very... unstable place at the time. Maybe it's all linked to this:


About a month or two before my mom passed, she was in and out of the hospital, and naturally - she had a lot of visitors... my father included. I'll never forget that time he came to visit her in the emergency room. It was me, and my aunt - and my father - all in there with her. She shared something with my father that day, that shifted my view of my mom and her relationships, and... her strength, and her being "hard" - and just...everything... 

My dad was talking to her - telling her how hard it was for him to see her like this. It was hard for all of us. She... My Mother.... her spirit.. was so.. strong, so tough - NOTHING touched her... she got through everything with a smile, or a slew of cuss words...but - never-the-less, she got through it. - they talked for a while - about nothing at all really - you never really know what to talk about with someone going through something like that - especially after all they've been through. More than I'll ever know. Anywho - towards the end of the visit - she got really serious...and she told my dad something that I never thought I'd hear come out of my mother's mouth. 

I don't remember the exact words she used... I was so stunned. She told him that, she had never stopped loving him. That, after him, she was never able to love anyone the way that she loved him. I think my dad was stunned too. I was stunned because...mainly - from what I've seen - it never really seemed that my mom was hurt, or effected by anything - I was so young, but... I don't know why I was under the impression that she was made of stone - but...she was always so...strong... nothing ever got to her - I guess I assumed that she had always been that way - It never crossed my mind that the experiences in her life made her that way. So, for the first time... I saw her... hurt, vulnerable, expressing her feelings... crying for love. It was so powerful. At that moment - I felt so many different emotions.... I respected my mother more than I have ever respected her before... her strength through out the years - carrying that inside of her - how hard it must have been for her. With that respect... I also felt a large sense of sorrow - knowing that my mother felt that way - all that time... I wished that she was able to let it go - or share that with my father before she reached her death bed.... the possibilities for her happiness - the things she could have experienced...the things that she could have felt..... but - perhaps, my mother - of ALL people... was scared. Scared of being hurt, the way that she was before - afraid of loving again... I don't know. I wish I had enough courage to ask. Along with all those other feelings - I was angered... angered and hurt that I didn't know THAT mother - that there were still sides to my mom, that I had yet to see, yet to experience - and even still I was excited that I would get to learn them (at that time, I was still in denial about everything... I knew she would pull it through). All I know is...I'm thankful I got to witness my mother at that moment - and while I'm very thankful - I KNOW that moment made me fear being alone even more. If this strong woman that I call my mother could feel like this - what did that mean for me?!. 

I've always been terrified of being alone. I used to have dreams about being left in the middle of a public area by my father - or mother - or whom ever - and wake up in tears, or screaming - it was serious. I don't really know what I'm afraid of. I've been a "loner" for most of my life. I lived with my father alone - without my brothers and sisters... I was an "outsider" in school because I'm wasn't a popular extrovert and didn't have fancy clothes, or a cool talent... I didn't mind really - I was a people watcher anyway - more "loner" type activities that just didn't pan out well with potential friends.... ----> I've always been alone in a sense -but - I always wanted more. Somewhere in me, there was/is this person, that... wants the whole world to know me, and love me, and look at me, and see me... for who I am --- for what I have to offer - for the great wonderful person that I am. I guess I've always looked for that validation from someone who didn't have to tell me because they were in my family. The first time that I got that validation - I took it and ran - and when I was hurt - it was just that much harder for me to let go the next time... the domino effect starts...and oh does it happen fast!  Some where in the middle of my fear and hurt.... I lost that person that I wanted everyone to see, and listen to, and love... I gave up part of myself with every fear that I tried to avoid associated with wanting to be loved, and not abandoned...completely lost in fear and desire. "Its crazy what people will do when they're afraid" - I heard that somewhere - and man - if that isn't one of the truest quotes that I've seen. I still reminisce about something that a very good friend told me once on this very topic. They told me that, my fears were real, my concerns were real...but the security that I was looking for - the security of knowing that someone loves me, and cares for me, and only wants me, and will never leave me... that security - is always just a "sense" of security - that no security is ever real... I couldn't really appreciate those words for what they meant - especially since I was so wrapped up in my desire for that very security - but... I know what they mean now. 


I am still afraid of being alone. I still want nothing more but to know FOR SURE that when it's my time - that I will have someone, a significant other - to love me, and care for me, and carry my memory of love beyond the years that my body have on this earth. I want that sooooo bad. I used want it bad enough that I would give everything - even myself - all that I believe and stand for - for it ..... I think I still want it as bad...LOL, but, I'm learning another lesson that a very dear friend taught me as well. Not to miss your blessing looking for what you THINK it looks like.... I already have a wealth of family and friends that care about me, and love me - and want the best for me. Sure, I desire and still want that...that type of love that I would get from a romantic partner - but, I don't want to loose who I am trying to get it. I'm still very much in this battle....I still fear being alone - but, I think more than that - I fear losing myself. I'd rather be alone with myself - and know who I am - than to get what I desire - and be lost to those who have loved me the most all my life - namely, myself. 

Mother's Day is Coming....

In preparation for my sister's wedding, I keep getting reminded that Mother's day is coming up.... man.


Momma... it's almost been 4 years....


I can remember it so vividly... It was a Thursday night/Friday morning....November 7, 2008. I had gotten off a little bit earlier from bartending than usual - she was in the hospital - about 5 minutes away from the bar.... I couldn't deal with it that night - I made a right instead and got onto the freeway towards Sacramento - towards my apartment - my safe haven.... As I passed the race track in El Cerrito on 880 - I got a phone call - it was my brother - I guess they were waiting until I was off.... He asked me where I was. "driving back home" I told him... he said I need to get to the hospital now. I said, why, what's going on?! - "Just hurry and get here, it's not looking good"...  


I was optimistic. Even after just 3 days earlier, - the day Obama got elected into office -... as I pulled up in Davis to see history being made with friends, I got a phone call from my sister... we found out that the cancer that had spread to her brain was continuing to spread, and that chemo or radiation wouldn't help - that we would have to decide whether or not if we wanted to do surgery.... before we could do that - it had spread so much that surgery wasn't even an option anymore... 


I was still optimistic when I turned around and tears started to stream down my eyes. All I could think of was her, in pain, fighting this cancer in her body - trying so hard to take her over.... it could never take her spirit though. I was optimistic when I walked into the hospital and walked into the ICU section.... but - all my optimism died when I talked to the attending nurse.
"I'm here to see my mom, Do... Do Jefferson" - "Yes, right this way - she's in room 13, you'll need to put on this visitor pass first though ma'am.".... Room 13! Room 13?... Room 13 :(. I know I'm super superstitious sometimes - but, something in me knew... something in me just knew that the fight was over. I didn't want to believe it though. 


I ran into my brother and sister in the hallway before I got into the room. They were in tears, pain, consoling each other. I quickly asked them what was going on. They said that they were glad I had finally made it - I was the last one. I didn't ask anymore questions, we all headed towards the room.


Everyone was crowded around my mom. My grandmother was there, all my uncles and aunts, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews...way more than just 3 visitors in here... I knew something was up. She saw me, and her eyes grew larger. I could tell she was happy to see me. I wonder what I looked like when I looked at her. I know what I felt. I felt...scared, and ashamed that I was just going to go home and pretend like life wasn't happening around me. I felt terrified, and I felt like wanting to rip all of those IV's out of my mother's arms for her, and heal her from all of her pain, and suffering - to just erase the chemo, the breast surgery, the losing hair , the endless meds - just...everything. 


Everyone was crying. She was in so much pain, and couldn't really talk much. I was afraid to touch her in fear of hurting her more, but, I did anyway. I was happy I did, and I could tell she was too. I'm sobbing by this time, and I kiss her, and hug her the best I can with all of those cords around her. Not much talking... a lot of feeling. She passed not too long after that. We were all around, and... her eyes opened wide, like....like she was scared... I couldn't tell if she was in extreme pain, or was just terrified..., and then... just as quickly, there was a calm in her face...her soul had left her body - she was no longer with us in the flesh. 


It all happened so fast. I couldn't believe anything that was happening. There are pieces that are missing that I can't piece together, but, I'll never forget her face, and I'll never forget feeling like.... she waited for me. She waited for me to get there to pass. She stayed in pain, she kept fighting until she could see me, and say goodbye to me. A great mom all the way to the end. I love her and I miss her so much. I'd give anything in the world to just be in her presence again. To just be able to call her and tell her that I love her. 


Thank you for waiting for me, Mom... I know it took a lot to keep fighting for that long. I'll never forget that - I'll remember it for the rest of my life, and as far as my soul lets me remember. 

Acceptance

My father just got through talking to me about 3 friends of his that have passed recently - one just last week, someone he's know for over 45 years... someone that he's shared memories with before I was even imagined into the realms of this world. Much like how my father confided in me when my mom passed...about his feelings about after life - he's fears of the unknown...I had an awkward moment when I didn't know what to say. But, unlike those other moments, I stepped outside of myself, and spoke up...offered condolences that a daughter would, asked him questions about his friend - their life, his memories that he had of them when he was with my mother... I felt myself get closer to my father than I have ever felt before, and I feel pretty close to him :).


I find myself having these more grown up, authentic, life talks with the important people around me. My grandmother went to the hospital last night - heart problems. Nothing too serious, but, everytime, it's a wake up call. It was interesting... the feeling I had when talking to my dad. Normally - I am terrified of the thought of death -the mere mentioning of it's presence in this world would make me embody the three monkey statues (hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil)... but, this time - I wasn't overcome with fear. Yes, it's still there - the omnipresent idea of death at any corner - for anybody, at anytime... but, instead of being afraid... I was happy - happy that my father is still living - that he still has minutes, hours, days... I pray years - to do what he sees fit for himself - his children... his life. I was happy that I still have chances to right wrongs that I feel I can change - that I still get a chance to continue to make a difference and impact my daughters life hands on... Happy to be in that moment - reflecting on my father's years before me, and hear him talk about him living his life - when he was about my age... I found myself appreciating life - rather than being afraid to live it.


When my mom passed, I didn't know what changed - but I knew something in me had changed... drastically. I couldn't put my finger on it - and, I still can't pin point the change either- but, it was monumental - something that everyone outside of my family near to me noticed. I was (or am) operating on a different perspective on life after that... and I'm not sure that I really knew how, or was ready to fully embrace life through that perspective. I didn't want to - I didn't want to have to believe that she was gone. That she would never be there any more to offer advice, a shoulder to lean on, ginger pepper chicken when I was sick... I couldn't believe that death was a part of this life - my life. I guess that's all part of the process - denial... everyone has to go through it, and there is never really and set time frames for any of the stages. And, while it felt good to be able to deny the obvious when I was doing it -it feels better now that I am learning acceptance.


As her birthday nears (the 3rd one that she will have spent away physically) I don't feel myself dreaded the day. I'm not balled up in the corner of my shower bawling, I'm not staring off to space during a visit or a meeting. I am acknowledging all my feelings... good and bad... and embracing them... being with them... with her. I look forward to the day that i can celebrate the day that my mother was brought into this world, the day that my destiny and existence became a more tangible part of the universe. I will drink her favorite drinks, eat her favorite foods, and sing her favorite songs - because i know that she lives through me. Although I will never know lessons that I know she wanted to share with me -I have the ones that she did, and those will live on forever. :). My mom was a very strong woman, who had been through a lot, and she didn't let cancer get her down..at least not without a fight - and I won't continue to let cancer tarnish wonderful memories that I have of her.


I try very hard not to envision her with cancer when I think of her... it's easier around her birthday :)... but, as November nears, I know that it will be a struggle. I'm just thankful for the life and family and friends that I have with me now - and even more thankful for the family and friends that can help me in remembering my mother, ones who have been blessed with the opportunity to have met her in her and their lifetime - she was truly one phenomenal woman. I love her...lol.


All I can do is live my life to my fullest potential, give love, receive it, and hopefully fill my daughter with enough love to out live both of our lives. :) Acceptance, of even the hard things, is nice - I mean, it's a starting point. :)

The Ox and the Mule

There are some things that I have been thinking about in terms of me getting "there" - and I feel it, and you keep mentioning, that..I'm changing, that I'm almost there, that you know I will get there, and like I said, I feel that too - but, I'm starting to think that maybe I just can't get there fast enough for you - that maybe I can't reach the finish line before you're gone... Maybe, no matter how hard I try, and how hard I push myself... you're just too far ahead and I won't be able to walk the stage with you...

Not saying that it's a 'fault' thing, like, not that I'm not trying, and not that you haven't been patient and have been pushing me, coaching me along... but thinking that it could just be a timing thing... Perhaps we're both too focused with our life "goal" - to get married, and have (more) kids that we are trying to get there too fast, because we don't want to be on the journey too long - we don't want to risk getting tired, and losing the race.. or worse, getting injured and not being able to finish. Perhaps I'm trying to push myself too hard, that...I'm not seeing the internal damage that it might be doing to my or our overall 'career' - sure, I might finish this race with flying colors, but what about future races? What about the blow that this race is taking on me, and how it's affecting my ability to continue for the long run? what about the same exact questions for my 'coach'? - should I pace myself... or is this a qualifying race, and once I'm done here, then, the rest of the race will be moderate speed?... But, with a race this serious --- racing life ---- aren't all of the races qualifying? so... should I just pace myself, and just be ok with the fact that sometimes I won't qualify for all the races, but, eventually, I'll get there, and I'll win... I could see myself doing that - if I was racing alone - but.. the thing is...when you're working with a coach, and they are pushing you - you don't want to let them down... and they don't want to see you fail... and, the problem with me saying or accepting that I would be OK with pacing myself instead of running at 100% all the time, is that... me asking myself... is my COACH ok with that? will my coach take all that training that he put me through, and say... ok, lets just work with what I've given you and take it slow for a while... or will my coach be too focused on thier end goal - with getting thier runner, to win... ASAP, at any cost...

In one case, they (the runner and the coach) work together, through both of their frustrations and goals.. no matter what - until BOTH of them are exhausted of their resources and power - in the end, the runner has either ran the race, and won... or, maybe not - but they can be confident that they have tried every exercise, every routine in order to reach their maximum potential together....

in the other, one of their goals becomes more significant, or more pressing than the bond that they've created with their runner or coach - they start focusing more on their goal, instead of the other...and, they loose sight as to why they even wanted to work with each other in the first place... not to win, but... because they knew that they could work so well together - they had similar styles, and similar routines... the runner reminded the coach of their self...... in so many ways... In this last case, both the coach and the runner loose - the runner must now either run the race alone, taking the information given to him by his coach - and run the best race he can or perhaps find coaching somewhere else, that might enhance his earlier coaches teachings... and the coach, must either retire from coaching, or.. find another runner, perhaps who may need less coaching, and is on a level with which the coach feels more comfortable working at... to reach their goals... either way - no race has been won here - all subsequent races have been disqualified, and stricken from the schedule...

I don't know what all of this really means - It really just felt like something I needed to get out - I hope... no... I pray, that I am able to see the positive and light in any choice that the runner, or the coach chooses to make. The runner has no control over the coach, and the coach, has no real control over the runner. They can only control themselves... and push themselves to be the best runner, or coach, or just person that they can be... and hopefully... they might be able to be a team again - or, at least get to see one, or both of them, win a race, even if not together...


"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together. " - Deuteronomy 22:10 (ass is a donkey...lol)

Stepping Stones - My Journey Continues

So, I'm always continually exploring my spirituality and the notion of God, or Allah, or whom ever your religion says is the highest power... this was just something that crossed my mind while sitting with my spirituality and the like:

I am spiritual – I do believe in a higher power – but of course, my thinking has strayed as it usually does – and it has me wondering –

Is the reason that spirituality is so successful at helping people get through hardships, difficult times, and even through the most joyous times of their lives…. Is it because we need to believe that someone, or some being, or some spirit somewhere in the universe, other than ourselves, can really know EVERYTHING that we have been through and experienced… so that we don't feel so alone with our selves…

Like, the times that you've cried in the corner of the closet, or in the shower, or in the car…. Or the time that you were so happy that you couldn't help but to jump up and spin around in a circle in front of your own shadow -…. It just feels so much more better feeling as though you aren't alone during those situations – your most intimate ones… that you long for the whole world to feel or know you're feeling this way – but that you also want to hide away from everyone at the same time… it's easier to hide them, and share them with your spiritual guide… right? Idk – just some thoughts….

more old stuff

something I wrote like 50 million years ago.... I thought it was cute... like, high school type of love letters.... :) I've always been a hopeless romantic.

The perfect compliment:

What is the most perfect compliment you could give me?
You could tell me I'm beautiful or that I am smart,
that you admire every piece of me, every single part!
You could whisper sweet nothings in my ear to make me feel grand
You could just look deep in my eyes and tell me how much you love me while you hold my hand
But don't try too hard, for I don't think you will be able to find
Another compliment to outdo one you have already given me, that sweet compliment of mine
The compliment that I am speaking of, no one else can reproduce
Because, the greatest compliment to me ~ is you.