Faith Part 2

okay, so this is the part that's hard for me....


I had faith (see my previous post), and despite my devotion to it, alas, it has failed me... what am I to do now? restore my faith in... in what? Is that the rule? If you put all your eggs in one basket and it falls over, then pick up what's salvageable and find something else to put your eggs in? Sooner or later you'll run out of eggs, or storage places - neither of which sounds good.



I'm tired of believing.. I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of wanting..... I'm tired of faith! I don't know what it wants from me. It wants my soul - it wants me to give it everything - and it leaves me here empty - that is.. after it's taken my hopes, my dreams, even the security that I had in my fears, - after it takes it all, and just leaves me here... to fill up with hope again? Are you serious? I just can't do it anymore.


I'm tired of looking for faith - I've lost it -and I don't want to find it anymore. I'm just so tired..
I feel as though the universe is slowly pulling energy out of me through my eyes in the form of tears.... crying is so exhausting. My eyes are swollen, they are red from stress and frustration. My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my soul aches.... The only cure I have for this pain is to close my eyes... so I sleep, I sleep, I daydream, I keep my eyes closed for as long as I can to somehow alleviate the pain my eyes are causing me. I can't stop the tears... every waking hour is a battle between my mind, my throat, and those damn eyes.... My mind telling my throat, if you tense up long enough... you can stop the tears.. and my eyes laugh crookedly, telling my mind - this has nothing to do with you. I'm tired of fighting. I just want to relax, but I can't see clearly through these tears... and I'm so afraid, so lost.
I need to find my way again. Somehow I've stumbled onto this rainy street that looks so familiar, somehow I'd forgotten it was raining and didn't think to bring my umbrella. Never forget your umbrella.

Faith, please take pity on me. Maybe I'm wrong about what I want, but please show me the way - I can't take this anymore - it's too much, I'm not as strong as you've tried to build me up to be. I need your help right now, and you've abandoned me. (I feel like a faith-fiend, goodness) I just want to be me again...


Perhaps it's not faith that I'm having a gripe with, perhaps it's love, Perhaps its the realization that even if you want and believe in something so much - oh wait - no that sounds like faith, okay. It's time for me to stop feeding faith my eggs - it's time for me to learn to cook them myself.