Mother's Day is Coming....

In preparation for my sister's wedding, I keep getting reminded that Mother's day is coming up.... man.


Momma... it's almost been 4 years....


I can remember it so vividly... It was a Thursday night/Friday morning....November 7, 2008. I had gotten off a little bit earlier from bartending than usual - she was in the hospital - about 5 minutes away from the bar.... I couldn't deal with it that night - I made a right instead and got onto the freeway towards Sacramento - towards my apartment - my safe haven.... As I passed the race track in El Cerrito on 880 - I got a phone call - it was my brother - I guess they were waiting until I was off.... He asked me where I was. "driving back home" I told him... he said I need to get to the hospital now. I said, why, what's going on?! - "Just hurry and get here, it's not looking good"...  


I was optimistic. Even after just 3 days earlier, - the day Obama got elected into office -... as I pulled up in Davis to see history being made with friends, I got a phone call from my sister... we found out that the cancer that had spread to her brain was continuing to spread, and that chemo or radiation wouldn't help - that we would have to decide whether or not if we wanted to do surgery.... before we could do that - it had spread so much that surgery wasn't even an option anymore... 


I was still optimistic when I turned around and tears started to stream down my eyes. All I could think of was her, in pain, fighting this cancer in her body - trying so hard to take her over.... it could never take her spirit though. I was optimistic when I walked into the hospital and walked into the ICU section.... but - all my optimism died when I talked to the attending nurse.
"I'm here to see my mom, Do... Do Jefferson" - "Yes, right this way - she's in room 13, you'll need to put on this visitor pass first though ma'am.".... Room 13! Room 13?... Room 13 :(. I know I'm super superstitious sometimes - but, something in me knew... something in me just knew that the fight was over. I didn't want to believe it though. 


I ran into my brother and sister in the hallway before I got into the room. They were in tears, pain, consoling each other. I quickly asked them what was going on. They said that they were glad I had finally made it - I was the last one. I didn't ask anymore questions, we all headed towards the room.


Everyone was crowded around my mom. My grandmother was there, all my uncles and aunts, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews...way more than just 3 visitors in here... I knew something was up. She saw me, and her eyes grew larger. I could tell she was happy to see me. I wonder what I looked like when I looked at her. I know what I felt. I felt...scared, and ashamed that I was just going to go home and pretend like life wasn't happening around me. I felt terrified, and I felt like wanting to rip all of those IV's out of my mother's arms for her, and heal her from all of her pain, and suffering - to just erase the chemo, the breast surgery, the losing hair , the endless meds - just...everything. 


Everyone was crying. She was in so much pain, and couldn't really talk much. I was afraid to touch her in fear of hurting her more, but, I did anyway. I was happy I did, and I could tell she was too. I'm sobbing by this time, and I kiss her, and hug her the best I can with all of those cords around her. Not much talking... a lot of feeling. She passed not too long after that. We were all around, and... her eyes opened wide, like....like she was scared... I couldn't tell if she was in extreme pain, or was just terrified..., and then... just as quickly, there was a calm in her face...her soul had left her body - she was no longer with us in the flesh. 


It all happened so fast. I couldn't believe anything that was happening. There are pieces that are missing that I can't piece together, but, I'll never forget her face, and I'll never forget feeling like.... she waited for me. She waited for me to get there to pass. She stayed in pain, she kept fighting until she could see me, and say goodbye to me. A great mom all the way to the end. I love her and I miss her so much. I'd give anything in the world to just be in her presence again. To just be able to call her and tell her that I love her. 


Thank you for waiting for me, Mom... I know it took a lot to keep fighting for that long. I'll never forget that - I'll remember it for the rest of my life, and as far as my soul lets me remember.