The Ox and the Mule

There are some things that I have been thinking about in terms of me getting "there" - and I feel it, and you keep mentioning, that..I'm changing, that I'm almost there, that you know I will get there, and like I said, I feel that too - but, I'm starting to think that maybe I just can't get there fast enough for you - that maybe I can't reach the finish line before you're gone... Maybe, no matter how hard I try, and how hard I push myself... you're just too far ahead and I won't be able to walk the stage with you...

Not saying that it's a 'fault' thing, like, not that I'm not trying, and not that you haven't been patient and have been pushing me, coaching me along... but thinking that it could just be a timing thing... Perhaps we're both too focused with our life "goal" - to get married, and have (more) kids that we are trying to get there too fast, because we don't want to be on the journey too long - we don't want to risk getting tired, and losing the race.. or worse, getting injured and not being able to finish. Perhaps I'm trying to push myself too hard, that...I'm not seeing the internal damage that it might be doing to my or our overall 'career' - sure, I might finish this race with flying colors, but what about future races? What about the blow that this race is taking on me, and how it's affecting my ability to continue for the long run? what about the same exact questions for my 'coach'? - should I pace myself... or is this a qualifying race, and once I'm done here, then, the rest of the race will be moderate speed?... But, with a race this serious --- racing life ---- aren't all of the races qualifying? so... should I just pace myself, and just be ok with the fact that sometimes I won't qualify for all the races, but, eventually, I'll get there, and I'll win... I could see myself doing that - if I was racing alone - but.. the thing is...when you're working with a coach, and they are pushing you - you don't want to let them down... and they don't want to see you fail... and, the problem with me saying or accepting that I would be OK with pacing myself instead of running at 100% all the time, is that... me asking myself... is my COACH ok with that? will my coach take all that training that he put me through, and say... ok, lets just work with what I've given you and take it slow for a while... or will my coach be too focused on thier end goal - with getting thier runner, to win... ASAP, at any cost...

In one case, they (the runner and the coach) work together, through both of their frustrations and goals.. no matter what - until BOTH of them are exhausted of their resources and power - in the end, the runner has either ran the race, and won... or, maybe not - but they can be confident that they have tried every exercise, every routine in order to reach their maximum potential together....

in the other, one of their goals becomes more significant, or more pressing than the bond that they've created with their runner or coach - they start focusing more on their goal, instead of the other...and, they loose sight as to why they even wanted to work with each other in the first place... not to win, but... because they knew that they could work so well together - they had similar styles, and similar routines... the runner reminded the coach of their self...... in so many ways... In this last case, both the coach and the runner loose - the runner must now either run the race alone, taking the information given to him by his coach - and run the best race he can or perhaps find coaching somewhere else, that might enhance his earlier coaches teachings... and the coach, must either retire from coaching, or.. find another runner, perhaps who may need less coaching, and is on a level with which the coach feels more comfortable working at... to reach their goals... either way - no race has been won here - all subsequent races have been disqualified, and stricken from the schedule...

I don't know what all of this really means - It really just felt like something I needed to get out - I hope... no... I pray, that I am able to see the positive and light in any choice that the runner, or the coach chooses to make. The runner has no control over the coach, and the coach, has no real control over the runner. They can only control themselves... and push themselves to be the best runner, or coach, or just person that they can be... and hopefully... they might be able to be a team again - or, at least get to see one, or both of them, win a race, even if not together...


"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together. " - Deuteronomy 22:10 (ass is a donkey...lol)