more random stuff

some random stuff I wrote a couple months ago....

AUTUMN

it seems as if im going to start to dread the fall. But how can I dread a season that I love so much? death...abandonment... well, i guess, fall is the season of death.

I wonder what that says about me - or the people who choose autumn as one of their favorite seasons? I mean, autumn represents not death itself, as does winter, but rather, the most grueling part of the life cycle... the point right before death... the deteriation. We watch plants die and rebirth themselves each year. So, in theory are humans just another fruit of the earth, like the plants... here only for a certain amount of time, only to be recycled.. I guess that's what the birth process is all about.


------- later the same night,.. 2/20/09--------------

i love that we are constantly reminded about how very different and unique each and everyone of us.




------------------------------ the next day --------------

i dont know what to write...
I just know that I feel, I feel so much.......
everything.... everyday.


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I sat and listened....

We Are......

FAMILY! - Thanks Diana and the Supremes! :)


Okay – so, I’m supposed to be writing about family in this post… I’m not really feeling that poetic these days so, it’s just a splatter of my random thoughts on the subject, separated, somewhat, by paragraphs… here goes:

Now, I know that I’m a sucker for love and that I love anything that has to do with love. I believe that almost anything can be made possible with love. But, I can say that although Love may be one of the most important things – Family is neck and neck with it….. I mean, when you think about it – we learn to love from our families. Our families – whom ever they may be (I’ll touch on that later) are the first ones to show us how to love, how to treat others, and basically how to live.

I don’t think anyone would argue that family is important – but I think that people fail to realize the magnitude or the extreme importance of family. I have always known how significant family is, but until working in my position now, I can’t say that I understood the true meaning of the term.
At work I go see an average of 4 families a day – in their homes, in their private lives. It’s amazing. I’m lucky enough to enter 4 different worlds each day – 4 different lives of these mothers, 4 different stories. And while one family may be well to do, and the next families lights are getting shut off, and another family is just so obnoxious that I can’t stand them – they all have one thing in common – their family comes first above everything else. Aside from their living conditions and the everyday stressors of life, they all strive to make their family the best family that it can be.
Now, I’m going to get a little technical – just a little. So, technically – in order for a family to be a family – there has to be children – I mean – two people are just a couple, you’re not a family until you two have a little one. That should stress the importance of the word right there – I mean, how important is it to be shaping someone’s life – to be the “go to” man (or woman) in this persons life –to be what your mother, or father, or caregiver was to you – gosh, it just means so much. How can that NOT be important to someone? How can that NOT be something that you try your hardest at? This is why family is so powerful – It starts from nothing, and it grows. Family grows together – from the beginning into forever. It’s a guaranteed forever…It’s destiny – some may argue. Families help mold each other and shape each other and create bonds from so young that you can’t strip those connections away – they are embedded in you like the markings you might find on a grain of rice. – no way to break free – family is in our blood.

Families provide that safe place – they provide structure in a world that is otherwise viewed as chaotic. If you think about it – family is almost essential to survival. Even those who don’t have or can’t identify with a ‘biological’ family create families early on with individuals with whom they are close to… I mean, gangs were created with the whole notion of family – people crave closeness, we desire to feel loved – and who will love you if your family hasn’t taught you to love – showed you how to love?
Sometimes families are all that people have left, many times families are the reason that many people keep pushing, keep living, keep learning – In my profession – sometimes family is the one thing that determines success or failure – life or death.

No matter who is in your family or what type of family it is – you are above all else – Family. You are bonded in a way that no other person or group of people can bond with you – These bonds are full of frustration, and anger sometimes yes – but, more importantly, they are full of shared experiences, shared emotions, shared dreams.

Obama and Michelle have started doing a great job of bringing the dream of “family” back into the individualistic American society – I only hope that the image, the hope, and the love of family touches everyone enough to keep family number 1.

But, what's your motivation?

I heard a women ask another women at work today "do you 'journal'" -and the other women said, not since she was a teenager- she just didn't have time anymore... the first lady said to her - you can always find time to journal - and then the other women says - "I need motivation- i don't have motivation" and me, being the nosy person that I am blurted out "LIFE!!! life is the greatest motivation of all!" - and I meant it. And while she'll go home tonight with her kids and her husband and think about all the things that have happened in her day, and her life - she will still be searching for her motivation...

Sometimes I think people look too hard to find motivation... it's like your mind is like those "Where's Waldo" books... it's all cluttered and full of great and different exciting things... but you're looking for that one thing; person, situation, event - and so you pass up all those other very interesting events or people still looking for that one... and yeah, sometimes you find him... and you're really excited, and it's really good - but sometimes, you don't, and you have to keep turning the pages and try again later ...
When that happens, just think of all the great things you overlooked just to be empty handed in the end.
I say go with anything that catches your eye - or motivation for that matter - even if it's just a little - we are only on this earth for so long - why waste most of it looking for something that is right in front of our faces? If you can feel feelings- you have motivation... and those two things are all you need.

I can't lie, I'm one of the main culprits of complaining about no motivation - but I'm learning :) - Maybe my new found motivational freedom will get me to write more... even if it's just random stuff like this... :)

Goodness, I love words. They are really a gift that should be cherished... Words, like most art, create concrete memories... and memories, well - they are priceless. I think memories are one of the most important parts of life - one of my favorites. :) Wish I could write as many words as I have memories.... :)

Perspective

it's so funny how your perspective of things change at different points in your life - and not just the age thing...but like how you think about a certain quote today can be completely different tomorrow if you had different experiences. I was just looking at some of my drafts and reading how I started the blog and I just couldn't finish it - I just didn't feel the same way I did when I was "inspired" by the quote the first time. But the funny thing is - I'm still inspired by the quote, but in a completely different way! Just imagine all the 'alterations' our mind has made about certain situations larger than a quote.... any who.. just thought that was interesting... not like this blog entry - sorry.

"Stop This World" - Ne-Yo

Okay, so, I didn't know if I should put this on this blog, but, hey, it's mine and I can do whatever I want! I originally just wanted to put famous quotes or whatever here, but, I can't help do songs as well... I mean, they have quotes in them too! :) So, here is what I think about this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYxZ6moPP_8&feature=related

Okay... First, just let me say YES!!!!! Oh my Goodness.... Ne-yo, you fucking nailed it!!!! I think it's every womans dream to make a man feel like this... He did such a great job of explaining the feeling of just being in love. This song moved me so much - and yes, I'm a little bias since I'm a hopeless romantic... but, for real- for real... this song alone has made Ne-yo one of my favorite male artists. There are a few lines in the song I want to single out though, most of them are from the 2nd verse...:

I wanna start with the chorus...

" It's too good to be true
I don't deserve you
I never felt a love strong enough to
Stop this world from spinning"

Alright - wow, the last line is so powerful, and I don't think anyone who hasn't been in love will fully be able to apprehend what he's talking about. It's so beautiful when you are in this point in a relationship and it's sooooo good, that you don't even feel like you deserve to have it, just absolutely beautiful. The thing I like most about the last line is how he took the common saying "my world revolves around you" and took it to a whole other level - like, no, you have stopped my world, I'm am in complete awe - that's just how amazing your love is... like whoa dude.... ummm, can you teach seminars? hahahaha for real though. okay, moving on....

"In her smile is the most amazing dream
And in her eyes I fall asleep"

okay... another WOW moment.. maybe because I've experienced this myself.. it's been said that the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and I'm a believer - this line just paints the most beautiful picture of love in my mind... all the hope and promise that love carries and how it can really just feel so.... euphoric. This is absolutely my most favorite line.

Thank you Ne-yo for expressing love, in the most amazing way.

old reflections

just something that I wrote awhile ago, but I can still relate to....

June 19, 2008

I have to remember to savor these smells, these touches, these small utterances of your voice… so that when they aren’t around, they are not hard for me to remember.

I was beginning to forget; beginning to forget how to remember – the smell can only last for so long. Yes, memories last longer, but you’ve gotta make those first before you can remember, longing and remembering are different…too much longing not enough remembering….

Traffic traps me in my thoughts… thinking about nothing, everything, you

..."Love with no need to preempt grievance..." - Elizabeth Alexander, part of the 2009 inaugrational poem

So, this part of the poem was part of a bigger quote, I feel like I have to include the whole thing in order to get the full effect... I don't too much like the middle part of the quote though... just the first line and the last....

"What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. Love that casts a widening pool of light. Love with no need to preempt grievance." ----

Oh love, oh love.... how I love love!!! :)


I wrote this the day of the inauguration... I didn't finish it - but thought that this was said enough :)

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. "

Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855) Danish philosopher and writer.


Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

Aint that the truth! This goes hand in hand with "If I knew then what I know now...". Man, the power of wisdom and understanding. The sad part is that when we finally achieve it and want to teach it and share it (wisdom that is)- the ones who are seeking it won't listen. They are seeking it in the wrong places... the same places that we sought for it. They too must chase after whatever wisdom they desire, or think that they may possess, only then will they gain the wisdom, wisdom that life isn't a race, or a chase, or something to hurry and get to the finish line...


Hindsight, or retrospection... the fucking beauty of these things.... realizing later that what you did was sort of stupid, and knowing that you can't go back to fix anything about it now... it's a m-f-er! it's a funny thing though... because, just think how much happier people, life, or maybe man kind would be if we didn't learn from previous experience... how naive we would all be...how sadly innocent...no one would want to change... no one would want to grow... no one would try to prevent stupid shit from happening again...

And think of it the other way... if we had all the wisdom we would ever have at birth or close to it... no one would ever take risks, no one would challenge authority.. There would still be no need or room for change... growth... So perhaps we are created exactly this way.... to live forward and understand backwards... because that is the only way that man can survive, when faced with situations that we are destined to fail at...just to learn that you shouldn't do it... Perhaps thats what those seven deadly sins are... anyhow... I'm obviously way too tired, I cant even stay on the subject... guess I'll call it a night.. until the next quote... ! :) G'night.

Random Ramblings

Omg… I just saw the footage of the Oscar Grant shooting in Oakland… wtf man, wtf! Was that a planned conspiracy, maybe a payback for obama… what the fuck???? I mean, that was blatant murder in front of tons of people! Do our security and government systems run us to the point that they are void of all consequences of the law? --- I sure hope we still aren’t living in that society. But everyday I wake up and, here we are… a lot has changed, but when will it all? Will it ever? Can it ever? What will it take? Will man eventually kill ourselves before we kill the planet? Is that the big game? Maybe earth is just a game that someone in the wide vast universe is playing… put a species on this planet and see how long it can survive…right now amphibians and invertebrates are beating everyone’s ass!! Lol. Anywho… that’s besides the subject…

How does it feel to take a life? How does that person feel for the rest of his life? Whether it was by accident or intentional, how can you live with that? I imagine that would be the heaviest burden to bear… goodness… Sometimes I wonder if all people feel those emotions that we consider to be universal human emotions… like, guilt, regret. I know people show signs and report that they don’t …but, I wonder, if somewhere, waaay deep down inside, those people even feel a tinge of guilt… I sure hope they do…but even if they did… the tragedy still remains. Fuck.

"The more sophisticated the game, the more sophisticated the opponent." - Jake Green, Revolver

So, okay, I've been stressing and racking my brain about how my schedule, maybe even my life may change in less than a month....

I know, it's still school, and I've been through that before..but it's a different breed, it a level of sophistication that I've never been placed in before. The stakes are way higher this go around, but the prize is also more sweet. Only the strongest survive in this point of the game.

But besides all that doubt and nervousness, I'm still SO EXCITED that school is starting on the 2nd... lol. I don't know what's wrong with me: Is it the uncomfortable lecture chairs that you're forced to sit in, the heavy text books you get to lug around campus, the late nights up with French Vanilla flavored coffee, Hazelnut creamer, and three teaspoons of sugar.... ah, what is it that I love so much???! :). I guess I just love learning new things, testing new things, finding out what's right and why, and what's wrong and why, and then trying to do something to fix it! A big part of me can't wait to start TA'ing for someone and creating and grading tests and quizzes and stuff.... a smaller part of me is afraid of the social solitude grad school will require.... but it's worth it.. big time! Oh, I can't wait...just a few more weeks, ha, then listen to what i have to say then -- I'll be "man, look at all this I have to read!!" - lol.

5 am scramble

Just some stuff that I wrote down at 5 in the Morn today.... randomness.... :)\


-Like most games that include great risks, the rules are implicitly stated.
They are unspoken - sorta like - if you don't know them, you shouldn't be playing the game - not knowing the rules is not an option.

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I miss you more when you're here than when you're away

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I smell you when I breathe again. =>... that's one of the best parts!
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life takes soooo much.... but it gives more.

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Just to feel your touch...
Just to want to feel you...
Just to want you...
to want...just you-
beautiful.

Portraits of my mind

I wish I could take pictures with words....
I wish I could capture every single pixel of thought that I have...
when my thoughts are at their brightest.

I want these portraits so that I can look back, and experience the feeling that possessed my mind to want to capture this forever...

I want these portraits so that I can look at them now, and appreciate what I've had, what I have - how I've grown... and how I haven't...

I want these portraits because I want to know myself...from every angle that life takes.

But I don't know how to take pictures, I can only look at them, and admire the photographer...
I wanna take pictures...I wanna be a photographer.

Blue Mornings

Our schedules don't match.
You steal away in the middle of the night,
while my eyelids become cemented over my eyes.

They say "It's better that way" - I say:
'I miss the mornings'

waking to your arm over my torso,
or my breasts against your back.
That morning smell that is only captured in
the first hour of waking.
I miss the flutter of your lashes as you open your eyes -
which always seems like it's for the first time.

I'm patient though...more than most.
And I'm not hoppin' trains or jumping ship -
Like Brandy said "I wanna be down!", and I do!
I wanna be so low into you that...
I can't see any light from above, just you.
But sometimes I miss our mornings...

*just something I wrote b/c I had too much time on my hands last week - lol*

Amusment...

I don't like roller coasters, but it seems like I just keep getting in for the ride.... The road always looks smooth, but then there are surprise loops, twists and turns... get me off this damn thing!
Whatever happened to the age old merry-go-round - there was always smiles and tons of merriment to go 'round on that ride... but, instead, I'm on this twister, with screaming, gut filled hearts.... what a scary ride... but strangely, I'm always more happy I got on the roller coaster after...how ironic.

I just wish things could .. I don't know... just be... a little less real than they are.