Mother's Day is Coming....

In preparation for my sister's wedding, I keep getting reminded that Mother's day is coming up.... man.


Momma... it's almost been 4 years....


I can remember it so vividly... It was a Thursday night/Friday morning....November 7, 2008. I had gotten off a little bit earlier from bartending than usual - she was in the hospital - about 5 minutes away from the bar.... I couldn't deal with it that night - I made a right instead and got onto the freeway towards Sacramento - towards my apartment - my safe haven.... As I passed the race track in El Cerrito on 880 - I got a phone call - it was my brother - I guess they were waiting until I was off.... He asked me where I was. "driving back home" I told him... he said I need to get to the hospital now. I said, why, what's going on?! - "Just hurry and get here, it's not looking good"...  


I was optimistic. Even after just 3 days earlier, - the day Obama got elected into office -... as I pulled up in Davis to see history being made with friends, I got a phone call from my sister... we found out that the cancer that had spread to her brain was continuing to spread, and that chemo or radiation wouldn't help - that we would have to decide whether or not if we wanted to do surgery.... before we could do that - it had spread so much that surgery wasn't even an option anymore... 


I was still optimistic when I turned around and tears started to stream down my eyes. All I could think of was her, in pain, fighting this cancer in her body - trying so hard to take her over.... it could never take her spirit though. I was optimistic when I walked into the hospital and walked into the ICU section.... but - all my optimism died when I talked to the attending nurse.
"I'm here to see my mom, Do... Do Jefferson" - "Yes, right this way - she's in room 13, you'll need to put on this visitor pass first though ma'am.".... Room 13! Room 13?... Room 13 :(. I know I'm super superstitious sometimes - but, something in me knew... something in me just knew that the fight was over. I didn't want to believe it though. 


I ran into my brother and sister in the hallway before I got into the room. They were in tears, pain, consoling each other. I quickly asked them what was going on. They said that they were glad I had finally made it - I was the last one. I didn't ask anymore questions, we all headed towards the room.


Everyone was crowded around my mom. My grandmother was there, all my uncles and aunts, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews...way more than just 3 visitors in here... I knew something was up. She saw me, and her eyes grew larger. I could tell she was happy to see me. I wonder what I looked like when I looked at her. I know what I felt. I felt...scared, and ashamed that I was just going to go home and pretend like life wasn't happening around me. I felt terrified, and I felt like wanting to rip all of those IV's out of my mother's arms for her, and heal her from all of her pain, and suffering - to just erase the chemo, the breast surgery, the losing hair , the endless meds - just...everything. 


Everyone was crying. She was in so much pain, and couldn't really talk much. I was afraid to touch her in fear of hurting her more, but, I did anyway. I was happy I did, and I could tell she was too. I'm sobbing by this time, and I kiss her, and hug her the best I can with all of those cords around her. Not much talking... a lot of feeling. She passed not too long after that. We were all around, and... her eyes opened wide, like....like she was scared... I couldn't tell if she was in extreme pain, or was just terrified..., and then... just as quickly, there was a calm in her face...her soul had left her body - she was no longer with us in the flesh. 


It all happened so fast. I couldn't believe anything that was happening. There are pieces that are missing that I can't piece together, but, I'll never forget her face, and I'll never forget feeling like.... she waited for me. She waited for me to get there to pass. She stayed in pain, she kept fighting until she could see me, and say goodbye to me. A great mom all the way to the end. I love her and I miss her so much. I'd give anything in the world to just be in her presence again. To just be able to call her and tell her that I love her. 


Thank you for waiting for me, Mom... I know it took a lot to keep fighting for that long. I'll never forget that - I'll remember it for the rest of my life, and as far as my soul lets me remember. 

Faith - what it means to me.

From http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/faith:

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1): fidelity to one's promises (2): sincerity of intentions
2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust
3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction ; especially : a system of religious beliefs faith

So, what the fuck does this mean anyway? I mean, we all know what "He acted in good faith" means... but that's not the type of faith that I'm talking about - I'm talking about the faith that makes the statement "I have faith that he will act in good faith."
Seriously, about 2 years ago, I wouldn't even begin to waste my time contemplating over what faith was... It was just something religious people said to look more "religious" in front of us other "common" folk.... but, in these past years, I've come to realize how faith can be an important part of life and growth - perhaps, or maybe, what I've come to realize is - that I want to explore faith and what it means in life and how it all connects to everything or how it connects everyone.. I want to know more - and coming from a place that I've been - that's amazing.


I'm not sure that I completely understand it, or that I ever really will - but I guess that's the whole premise of the thing... believing in something, that you're not sure of, or believing in something that can't be proven or verified, or promised, or predicted... just knowing that things will workout, no matter what - faith. What things work out to be is a completely different story - but the belief that things will - goodness - it's amazing.



It doesn't sound amazing.. like - just believing? I mean, anyone can do that right? So what's the big difference? I don't know... and that's what i'm trying to find out - it's a daunting task... but, it is most rewarding. I think that I'm taking the right steps, I mean, in order to fully believe something, a piece of you - even if it's tiny, must want to believe in it.... and, I'm guessing the next part is to believe in your belief.. if that makes any sense at all - that is the step that I'm on right now - which for me poses an almost impossible task - I barely believe in myself, and the things that I do now that are tangible - how the heck am I supposed to trust my ideas, my beliefs that the ideal that I have for something in the future will happen and be just because it's the "right thing" to happen. I mean - I guess with faith comes patience... Look at the Hebrews... but despite it all - they had faith - and they overcame...



I know I have faith - I can feel it - I tell my boyfriend all the time that I have faith in us - and this is the first time that I've ever felt this way... and I can't really describe it - so, is what I'm feeling really faith, or just a really strong hope - or is there even a difference? I'm sure there are many times when people have faith in things and in the end - their faith just wasn't enough - what then? do you then turn and blame it on destiny, or fate, or something like that? Or do you blame the person and say "well - your faith must not have been strong enough".. or do you just chalk it up as mis-guided faith - if there is even such a thing... when this happens, can we just say that it was just a really strong hope, and not faith?



I think my fear is that in believing in faith so much, I will be completely immersed in it and be devastated if my faith proved to be "wrong". It's so hard to believe in today's world, it's so hard to even live. I'm afraid that if I believe in faith as much as I believe in love - I may be hurt doubly as bad when one or two of the things don't go the way I want - I mean, how can you have faith in something that you don't love? You need that intensity of love, admiration, devotion... to even fathom the thought of "having faith" in it - I mean, you can believe it - but do you have faith? ---



well - this was just a big ramble with no big conclusion or bang - but, that's whats going on in my head so... I'll keep my faith search updated.. am sure it will change as I do - as does the world. anywho... that's all I have to say about that. for now.. :)

We Are......

FAMILY! - Thanks Diana and the Supremes! :)


Okay – so, I’m supposed to be writing about family in this post… I’m not really feeling that poetic these days so, it’s just a splatter of my random thoughts on the subject, separated, somewhat, by paragraphs… here goes:

Now, I know that I’m a sucker for love and that I love anything that has to do with love. I believe that almost anything can be made possible with love. But, I can say that although Love may be one of the most important things – Family is neck and neck with it….. I mean, when you think about it – we learn to love from our families. Our families – whom ever they may be (I’ll touch on that later) are the first ones to show us how to love, how to treat others, and basically how to live.

I don’t think anyone would argue that family is important – but I think that people fail to realize the magnitude or the extreme importance of family. I have always known how significant family is, but until working in my position now, I can’t say that I understood the true meaning of the term.
At work I go see an average of 4 families a day – in their homes, in their private lives. It’s amazing. I’m lucky enough to enter 4 different worlds each day – 4 different lives of these mothers, 4 different stories. And while one family may be well to do, and the next families lights are getting shut off, and another family is just so obnoxious that I can’t stand them – they all have one thing in common – their family comes first above everything else. Aside from their living conditions and the everyday stressors of life, they all strive to make their family the best family that it can be.
Now, I’m going to get a little technical – just a little. So, technically – in order for a family to be a family – there has to be children – I mean – two people are just a couple, you’re not a family until you two have a little one. That should stress the importance of the word right there – I mean, how important is it to be shaping someone’s life – to be the “go to” man (or woman) in this persons life –to be what your mother, or father, or caregiver was to you – gosh, it just means so much. How can that NOT be important to someone? How can that NOT be something that you try your hardest at? This is why family is so powerful – It starts from nothing, and it grows. Family grows together – from the beginning into forever. It’s a guaranteed forever…It’s destiny – some may argue. Families help mold each other and shape each other and create bonds from so young that you can’t strip those connections away – they are embedded in you like the markings you might find on a grain of rice. – no way to break free – family is in our blood.

Families provide that safe place – they provide structure in a world that is otherwise viewed as chaotic. If you think about it – family is almost essential to survival. Even those who don’t have or can’t identify with a ‘biological’ family create families early on with individuals with whom they are close to… I mean, gangs were created with the whole notion of family – people crave closeness, we desire to feel loved – and who will love you if your family hasn’t taught you to love – showed you how to love?
Sometimes families are all that people have left, many times families are the reason that many people keep pushing, keep living, keep learning – In my profession – sometimes family is the one thing that determines success or failure – life or death.

No matter who is in your family or what type of family it is – you are above all else – Family. You are bonded in a way that no other person or group of people can bond with you – These bonds are full of frustration, and anger sometimes yes – but, more importantly, they are full of shared experiences, shared emotions, shared dreams.

Obama and Michelle have started doing a great job of bringing the dream of “family” back into the individualistic American society – I only hope that the image, the hope, and the love of family touches everyone enough to keep family number 1.