I'm just trying to raise her

I'm just trying to raise her I wrote this back and just never posted it.. Raising girls in this society is so hard....

And I'm just trying to raise her,
higher than any man will ever make her think she feels
higher than that pipe that they will raise to her face
higher than that pole that they will tell her to climb...
than that invisible ceiling...
higher, higher, higher, and beyond everything that I've ever been....

Sin...dances around her, dances around me... and deep inside
I know, that's not the way to be -but
she's... not inside me anymore,
and I need to transplant this idea of virtue, and morality, in she -
where is this umbilical cord to which her soul I can feed?

Checked, no mate...

Where's  my soul mate? I deserve so much...  I know I do. I'm a good woman,  with a good soul,  and a huge heart....  Too big for me to even know what to do with it...  Too big for me to even realize that using it too much,  or rather,  lending it out to those in need,  is killing me slowly...  Slowing the rhythm and changing the beat to something I've never even heard before... 
I miss so much about life. I feel like I'm just fading away. My soul is so weak right now and I'm fighting hard everyday to strengthen it.  Friend,  soul mate,  teacher,  angel...  Whoever, where ever or whatever you are..  I really need you to help me right now.
I've spent so much of my life trying to help others understand and know themselves because I knew the feeling of void within myself growing up.  I've maneuvered through so many obstacles in my life with such ease,  I swear I started to think I might just be a super hero. I guess it all catches up to you somehow.... I always thought by now I'd have that person who I could and would share everything with.  Everything I've carried with me...  All my joys, all my tears,  all my failures and disappointments - everything that makes me who I am. And that they would love me,  just as I was,  and we would both share each others joys and struggles as if they were our own...  Like a sophisticated Bonnie and Clyde.

I guess all things in time.  I love myself,  and I love my daughter...  And I know she loves me...  And that's enough to keep my heart pumping 1000 years over...  It just gets really hard feeling like you're going at it alone sometimes.  Times like these  I respect my mother so much more.  She didn't get her Clyde either....  But us kids all Damn sure loved her with all of our hearts... 

Mom: I'm sorry you had such a hard start and finish to your life. You lived,  worked,  and loved so hard... I love you,  and I miss you everyday.  The older Aamayah gets,  the more I realize how hard it must have been for you to only see me as much as you did.  I always knew that you were working hard for me and my brothers and sisters. If i could,  as your daughter,  take any portion of that away I would...  The funny part about that though is...  I think we did take some of that away :) by just us being there.  Thank you momma,  for letting us be your hero's,  bc you Damn sure are one of mines...  I wish you were here..  But then again,  I know you never left. 

---emo rant, but I'm not sorry---

Throwback

 ( it qualifies since the original post was on a Thursday!)  lol.  

 

I was going through my blog, and came across this post from Fall 2009. Man… this was a crazy time in my life – in so many more ways than I can explain. It’s just so crazy to be able to go back and read what I was experiencing and going through – and even now – I can still feel each and every feeling that I had when I wrote this. It’s only now that I’m able to really sit down and dissect just EVERYTHING that I was dealing with at this time. I think the theme of Faith is revisiting me in my life again, and this time – I feel like I’m a little bit more informed, a lot more ready- and a lot less afraid of what might happen if I did leap into faith, but rather, more afraid of what may happen to me… my spirit- if I don’t.

original Post:

 

"Thursday, November 26, 2009

Faith Part 2

okay, so this is the part that's hard for me....


I had faith (see my previous post), and despite my devotion to it, alas, it has failed me... what am I to do now? restore my faith in... in what? Is that the rule? If you put all your eggs in one basket and it falls over, then pick up what's salvageable and find something else to put your eggs in? Sooner or later you'll run out of eggs, or storage places - neither of which sounds good.



I'm tired of believing.. I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of wanting..... I'm tired of faith! I don't know what it wants from me. It wants my soul - it wants me to give it everything - and it leaves me here empty - that is.. after it's taken my hopes, my dreams, even the security that I had in my fears, - after it takes it all, and just leaves me here... to fill up with hope again? Are you serious? I just can't do it anymore.


I'm tired of looking for faith - I've lost it -and I don't want to find it anymore. I'm just so tired..
I feel as though the universe is slowly pulling energy out of me through my eyes in the form of tears.... crying is so exhausting. My eyes are swollen, they are red from stress and frustration. My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my soul aches.... The only cure I have for this pain is to close my eyes... so I sleep, I sleep, I daydream, I keep my eyes closed for as long as I can to somehow alleviate the pain my eyes are causing me. I can't stop the tears... every waking hour is a battle between my mind, my throat, and those damn eyes.... My mind telling my throat, if you tense up long enough... you can stop the tears.. and my eyes laugh crookedly, telling my mind - this has nothing to do with you. I'm tired of fighting. I just want to relax, but I can't see clearly through these tears... and I'm so afraid, so lost.
I need to find my way again. Somehow I've stumbled onto this rainy street that looks so familiar, somehow I'd forgotten it was raining and didn't think to bring my umbrella. Never forget your umbrella.
Faith, please take pity on me. Maybe I'm wrong about what I want, but please show me the way - I can't take this anymore - it's too much, I'm not as strong as you've tried to build me up to be. I need your help right now, and you've abandoned me. (I feel like a faith-fiend, goodness) I just want to be me again...

Perhaps it's not faith that I'm having a gripe with, perhaps it's love, Perhaps its the realization that even if you want and believe in something so much - oh wait - no that sounds like faith, okay. It's time for me to stop feeding faith my eggs - it's time for me to learn to cook them myself.

Dream a little Dream

"Dreams are your heart's wishes" - unknown,


I truly believe this quote. I've had the same dream, for almost 6 years now... and I've let my mind mess up my heart's true desires far too many times - I've grown weak in letting my heart - and it's wishes fester. What is life really without a happy heart? - I'm taking steps to go after my DREAM. Period. Time to grow up and face the music. Just hope my dream can be a reality in this lifetime....I want this dream - and I want this dream to want me too.