I'm still high

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley 

- My only hope is that I don't run them away by being afraid of.... just being afraid - period. Most of my deepest fears have been coming realities lately though - it's like I'm the superhero in my own saga, and I'm racing to save my life... all my sidekicks have put in their good fight for me, now - it's just me.. in the Belly of the Beast - me, at my lowest low - with all the tools that I've gained, and lessons that I was supposed to learn - this is it. This is the battle that I have been preparing for, unknowingly. After you've lost everything - this is all you have left - to fight with the passion that is left in you - because if you don't  - the passion will kill you itself. 

Back to the Future ? (Another Old Draft Post)

Ooooo - I'm sad I never finished this one.... it got too heavy though :/. I miss her so much.

So... I'm really about to completely copy someone -lol. I was on FB and saw a post about someone else's tumblr, and the person made a post responding to this:

"Explain your current situation to your five-year-ago self" - I thought that this idea was so amazing, and so... appropriate for me right now anyway. Sort of like myself today, giving advice to my past self, and in the process making my current self feel stronger? The way the person wrote it - was more like advice, telling their former self all the things they will accomplish, and all the things they can look forward to - I'm not sure how I want to format mine... Idk...but, I want to try it =) So, here goes.

to my 2006 self:

Damn... you're getting old! haha, well, at least that's what I know you're probably thinking right now. LOL. Nah - but honestly 23 me, your life is really just beginning. (hard to fathom considering all that you've been through already at this age). I want to personally thank you for being so strong during those years. I know it would have helped to have a shoulder, or someone to really talk to and understand you - but, in the absence of those things - I think we did a pretty damn good job! Some of your best memories are about to happen to you!!!!

Still haven't been on a plane yet have you? HAHAHA, that sounds so funny to me right now - trust me, you'll soon get over that fear fast! AND you'll travel the WORLD...well, at least some parts as of now - I'm working on the other parts. haha. You're going to go to Florida, Hawaii, Europe and see tons of different countries there. You're gonna get drunk off of beer - YES - I said BEER!!! who would have thunk it right?! Believe it or not - beer isn't nasty all over the world. Hahaha. You're mind is going to absorb so much from traveling... you'll never forgive yourself for not doing it sooner. A bit of advice - don't freak out the moment that you arrive in France...LOL... everything will be okay. Haha.

There are also some really life changing things that will happen in the next 6 years. You will have your heart broken... at least 2 times. You will loose someone that has been monumental in your life. When that happens, when you start to loose her - PLEASE...and I'm BEGGING this one of you.. Please don't let your fears get in the way of cherishing those last moments that you have with her. It's all real, She will pass, and you will never get to see, or feel her again - make the most....no matter what - you have the rest of your life to either be afraid, or live. Please choose life sooner - look at all the years you've wasted on not getting on a plane! lol

In My Drafts

I wrote this post a while ago - it was sitting in my drafts folder. I'm just going to post everything that is in my drafts... They have been there forever and I have yet to go back and complete them...and honestly  - I probably wont. It's so hard to go back to the middle of a passage or thought that you were writing, and get the same inspiration from the source... anywho - this was the post...:

I learned at some point this week that it takes real strength to cry. Let me try to explain what I mean:

Apparently feeling bad about something, anything, in this western world is taboo. We are so focused on 'being okay' that we don't let our emotions take us to places that we were made to go as human beings... if we weren't supposed to cry, our tear ducts wouldn't weld up whenever we felt the urge. Crying is a reaction that I get often to ANY extreme emotion that I feel - anger, happiness, sadness, loneliness, even love... it helps me to recognize that the feeling that I'm feeling, whatever it is, is real, and that it's effected me, in ways that not a lot of things in this world can.
Just the other day, my daughter and I were in borders and she was reading this book, something like "the book of good things...or things that make me feel good" or whatever, and in the book it said "crying when I'm said makes me feel good" - she read that line, and then read it aloud again, and then she looked at me and uttered... "crying when you're sad doesn't feel good! It feels bad!"... and me, trying to be the best mommy I can be and wanting to teach her every lesson that I know she can't comprehend yet, spent the next 5 minutes trying to tell her why it feels good to cry. I guess there's truth in the statement, "you learn while you teach".

Life Goals

I guess this stuff just aint my thing... I could just have too many expectations...just hope I figure this shit out before I die...

Scared of Lonely

"talking about my fear of being lonely -in relationships and in life... and how it's ultimately tied to fears of death and not knowing if you'll be lonely or not...


I realized that I am terrified ......"

I wrote this on May 3, 2009 -  it's been sitting in my drafts for all this time. The first line was supposed to be the theme of the post - and, the next line was my first line - I remember... I was really "terrified"...  This post and several others sit in my draft folder - I wish that I would have taken the time to really reflect on them at the time I wanted to write them, and finish them. Alas - there's no time like the present! Being that this "theme" has remained true throughout the time I wrote it up until now  - I feel like it's still a very worthy topic to explore for myself. 


I believe that what struck my writing bug to post this one was Beyonce's song - "Scared of Lonely"... I remember hearing that song - no...really - a lot of songs off of that album, and just bawling... I was in a very... unstable place at the time. Maybe it's all linked to this:


About a month or two before my mom passed, she was in and out of the hospital, and naturally - she had a lot of visitors... my father included. I'll never forget that time he came to visit her in the emergency room. It was me, and my aunt - and my father - all in there with her. She shared something with my father that day, that shifted my view of my mom and her relationships, and... her strength, and her being "hard" - and just...everything... 

My dad was talking to her - telling her how hard it was for him to see her like this. It was hard for all of us. She... My Mother.... her spirit.. was so.. strong, so tough - NOTHING touched her... she got through everything with a smile, or a slew of cuss words...but - never-the-less, she got through it. - they talked for a while - about nothing at all really - you never really know what to talk about with someone going through something like that - especially after all they've been through. More than I'll ever know. Anywho - towards the end of the visit - she got really serious...and she told my dad something that I never thought I'd hear come out of my mother's mouth. 

I don't remember the exact words she used... I was so stunned. She told him that, she had never stopped loving him. That, after him, she was never able to love anyone the way that she loved him. I think my dad was stunned too. I was stunned because...mainly - from what I've seen - it never really seemed that my mom was hurt, or effected by anything - I was so young, but... I don't know why I was under the impression that she was made of stone - but...she was always so...strong... nothing ever got to her - I guess I assumed that she had always been that way - It never crossed my mind that the experiences in her life made her that way. So, for the first time... I saw her... hurt, vulnerable, expressing her feelings... crying for love. It was so powerful. At that moment - I felt so many different emotions.... I respected my mother more than I have ever respected her before... her strength through out the years - carrying that inside of her - how hard it must have been for her. With that respect... I also felt a large sense of sorrow - knowing that my mother felt that way - all that time... I wished that she was able to let it go - or share that with my father before she reached her death bed.... the possibilities for her happiness - the things she could have experienced...the things that she could have felt..... but - perhaps, my mother - of ALL people... was scared. Scared of being hurt, the way that she was before - afraid of loving again... I don't know. I wish I had enough courage to ask. Along with all those other feelings - I was angered... angered and hurt that I didn't know THAT mother - that there were still sides to my mom, that I had yet to see, yet to experience - and even still I was excited that I would get to learn them (at that time, I was still in denial about everything... I knew she would pull it through). All I know is...I'm thankful I got to witness my mother at that moment - and while I'm very thankful - I KNOW that moment made me fear being alone even more. If this strong woman that I call my mother could feel like this - what did that mean for me?!. 

I've always been terrified of being alone. I used to have dreams about being left in the middle of a public area by my father - or mother - or whom ever - and wake up in tears, or screaming - it was serious. I don't really know what I'm afraid of. I've been a "loner" for most of my life. I lived with my father alone - without my brothers and sisters... I was an "outsider" in school because I'm wasn't a popular extrovert and didn't have fancy clothes, or a cool talent... I didn't mind really - I was a people watcher anyway - more "loner" type activities that just didn't pan out well with potential friends.... ----> I've always been alone in a sense -but - I always wanted more. Somewhere in me, there was/is this person, that... wants the whole world to know me, and love me, and look at me, and see me... for who I am --- for what I have to offer - for the great wonderful person that I am. I guess I've always looked for that validation from someone who didn't have to tell me because they were in my family. The first time that I got that validation - I took it and ran - and when I was hurt - it was just that much harder for me to let go the next time... the domino effect starts...and oh does it happen fast!  Some where in the middle of my fear and hurt.... I lost that person that I wanted everyone to see, and listen to, and love... I gave up part of myself with every fear that I tried to avoid associated with wanting to be loved, and not abandoned...completely lost in fear and desire. "Its crazy what people will do when they're afraid" - I heard that somewhere - and man - if that isn't one of the truest quotes that I've seen. I still reminisce about something that a very good friend told me once on this very topic. They told me that, my fears were real, my concerns were real...but the security that I was looking for - the security of knowing that someone loves me, and cares for me, and only wants me, and will never leave me... that security - is always just a "sense" of security - that no security is ever real... I couldn't really appreciate those words for what they meant - especially since I was so wrapped up in my desire for that very security - but... I know what they mean now. 


I am still afraid of being alone. I still want nothing more but to know FOR SURE that when it's my time - that I will have someone, a significant other - to love me, and care for me, and carry my memory of love beyond the years that my body have on this earth. I want that sooooo bad. I used want it bad enough that I would give everything - even myself - all that I believe and stand for - for it ..... I think I still want it as bad...LOL, but, I'm learning another lesson that a very dear friend taught me as well. Not to miss your blessing looking for what you THINK it looks like.... I already have a wealth of family and friends that care about me, and love me - and want the best for me. Sure, I desire and still want that...that type of love that I would get from a romantic partner - but, I don't want to loose who I am trying to get it. I'm still very much in this battle....I still fear being alone - but, I think more than that - I fear losing myself. I'd rather be alone with myself - and know who I am - than to get what I desire - and be lost to those who have loved me the most all my life - namely, myself. 

Mother's Day is Coming....

In preparation for my sister's wedding, I keep getting reminded that Mother's day is coming up.... man.


Momma... it's almost been 4 years....


I can remember it so vividly... It was a Thursday night/Friday morning....November 7, 2008. I had gotten off a little bit earlier from bartending than usual - she was in the hospital - about 5 minutes away from the bar.... I couldn't deal with it that night - I made a right instead and got onto the freeway towards Sacramento - towards my apartment - my safe haven.... As I passed the race track in El Cerrito on 880 - I got a phone call - it was my brother - I guess they were waiting until I was off.... He asked me where I was. "driving back home" I told him... he said I need to get to the hospital now. I said, why, what's going on?! - "Just hurry and get here, it's not looking good"...  


I was optimistic. Even after just 3 days earlier, - the day Obama got elected into office -... as I pulled up in Davis to see history being made with friends, I got a phone call from my sister... we found out that the cancer that had spread to her brain was continuing to spread, and that chemo or radiation wouldn't help - that we would have to decide whether or not if we wanted to do surgery.... before we could do that - it had spread so much that surgery wasn't even an option anymore... 


I was still optimistic when I turned around and tears started to stream down my eyes. All I could think of was her, in pain, fighting this cancer in her body - trying so hard to take her over.... it could never take her spirit though. I was optimistic when I walked into the hospital and walked into the ICU section.... but - all my optimism died when I talked to the attending nurse.
"I'm here to see my mom, Do... Do Jefferson" - "Yes, right this way - she's in room 13, you'll need to put on this visitor pass first though ma'am.".... Room 13! Room 13?... Room 13 :(. I know I'm super superstitious sometimes - but, something in me knew... something in me just knew that the fight was over. I didn't want to believe it though. 


I ran into my brother and sister in the hallway before I got into the room. They were in tears, pain, consoling each other. I quickly asked them what was going on. They said that they were glad I had finally made it - I was the last one. I didn't ask anymore questions, we all headed towards the room.


Everyone was crowded around my mom. My grandmother was there, all my uncles and aunts, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews...way more than just 3 visitors in here... I knew something was up. She saw me, and her eyes grew larger. I could tell she was happy to see me. I wonder what I looked like when I looked at her. I know what I felt. I felt...scared, and ashamed that I was just going to go home and pretend like life wasn't happening around me. I felt terrified, and I felt like wanting to rip all of those IV's out of my mother's arms for her, and heal her from all of her pain, and suffering - to just erase the chemo, the breast surgery, the losing hair , the endless meds - just...everything. 


Everyone was crying. She was in so much pain, and couldn't really talk much. I was afraid to touch her in fear of hurting her more, but, I did anyway. I was happy I did, and I could tell she was too. I'm sobbing by this time, and I kiss her, and hug her the best I can with all of those cords around her. Not much talking... a lot of feeling. She passed not too long after that. We were all around, and... her eyes opened wide, like....like she was scared... I couldn't tell if she was in extreme pain, or was just terrified..., and then... just as quickly, there was a calm in her face...her soul had left her body - she was no longer with us in the flesh. 


It all happened so fast. I couldn't believe anything that was happening. There are pieces that are missing that I can't piece together, but, I'll never forget her face, and I'll never forget feeling like.... she waited for me. She waited for me to get there to pass. She stayed in pain, she kept fighting until she could see me, and say goodbye to me. A great mom all the way to the end. I love her and I miss her so much. I'd give anything in the world to just be in her presence again. To just be able to call her and tell her that I love her. 


Thank you for waiting for me, Mom... I know it took a lot to keep fighting for that long. I'll never forget that - I'll remember it for the rest of my life, and as far as my soul lets me remember.