Stepping Stones - My Journey Continues

So, I'm always continually exploring my spirituality and the notion of God, or Allah, or whom ever your religion says is the highest power... this was just something that crossed my mind while sitting with my spirituality and the like:

I am spiritual – I do believe in a higher power – but of course, my thinking has strayed as it usually does – and it has me wondering –

Is the reason that spirituality is so successful at helping people get through hardships, difficult times, and even through the most joyous times of their lives…. Is it because we need to believe that someone, or some being, or some spirit somewhere in the universe, other than ourselves, can really know EVERYTHING that we have been through and experienced… so that we don't feel so alone with our selves…

Like, the times that you've cried in the corner of the closet, or in the shower, or in the car…. Or the time that you were so happy that you couldn't help but to jump up and spin around in a circle in front of your own shadow -…. It just feels so much more better feeling as though you aren't alone during those situations – your most intimate ones… that you long for the whole world to feel or know you're feeling this way – but that you also want to hide away from everyone at the same time… it's easier to hide them, and share them with your spiritual guide… right? Idk – just some thoughts….

more old stuff

something I wrote like 50 million years ago.... I thought it was cute... like, high school type of love letters.... :) I've always been a hopeless romantic.

The perfect compliment:

What is the most perfect compliment you could give me?
You could tell me I'm beautiful or that I am smart,
that you admire every piece of me, every single part!
You could whisper sweet nothings in my ear to make me feel grand
You could just look deep in my eyes and tell me how much you love me while you hold my hand
But don't try too hard, for I don't think you will be able to find
Another compliment to outdo one you have already given me, that sweet compliment of mine
The compliment that I am speaking of, no one else can reproduce
Because, the greatest compliment to me ~ is you.

Back in the days when I was young....

So, I was going through some of my old emails and stumbled upon this folder that I created for myself. I wrote letters to myself quite often, detailing the events in my life...an online "email journal" if you will. It was brief, but informative. It's so crazy to look back at my writing back then and to see how far I've come from where I've been. The things I was going through and how I learned to cope - it's pretty inspiring thinking about it now - I've come a long way, even though it really doesn't feel like it - I still have yet so far to go. Anywho - I was actually more surprised at how much "poetry" (if I really want to call it that) that i wrote back then too - I mean, it wasn't on some Maya Angelou shit - it was really rhymie chimie stuff... but, it's just so weird. I feel so different and detached from who I was back then, but - when I look back, in essence, I was the exact same Yvonne - it's just the circumstances that I was in and certain decisions that I made that made me perceive myself as different. Deep down in the core, in my personal thoughts, in my hopes, dreams, fears... in the stuff that really makes someone who they are - my character, my heart, my soul.... it's always been the same - I've always been me - I'm just starting to find myself and know myself now... man.. life is so crazy - I love how I can learn from myself just from reading my writing - definitely inspired me to write to myself more often now - and to explore my artsy side - whatever may be there - even if it is the rhymie chimey stuff - it's me :)

Hey Momma...

I still miss her everyday...
It still hurts...
But, it is getting better - I think... I don't know.

I had a dream about her the other day
She was so beautiful... :)
we hugged, we cried, we resolved a bit...
it was like her spirit came back just to let me know that it was going to be okay.
It felt so real, I hope she knows how much I love her... how much she means to me
how much she will always mean to me -
even if I couldn't tell her that before she left this world.
I hope she knows, where ever her soul is right now - I hope she knows..

I love you momma.

Friendly Letter

Best Friend,

I miss you. Things just aren't the same without you here. Yes, i know that with time, things will get better and maybe some things will be just as they were before - but right now, I miss you - and I'm okay with that.

I'm so glad that we have been able to make so many wonderful memories together, and hope that we can continue to build on our memory album. I'm thankful and grateful for the awkward, hurtful, and painful memories too - they highlight the good ones and are a sign of our growth.

I know that you'll never leave my thoughts, prayers, and memories, but I pray that you never leave my life.

Your friendship has meant the world to me, and your love is unsurpassed. In the years that I've known you, my heart has shed it's skin and continues to grow. You've shown me the best of your soul, and I have displayed mine to you as well.

Where ever our lives decide to take us, I know we will both be happy and joyful because our souls are. Even if we are not physically together, our souls will soar together, lifting each other higher, towards our goals - guiding and lighting the way. We will protect each other - forever, I'm sure.

Our hearts have watched the other grow, and bleed, and love - that is the best gift that life can ever give anyone. At this very moment, I feel so very lucky. I don't hope that you feel the same way, because my heart tells me you do, my soul feels it; and it is happy because of it.

I love the beauty that exudes from your spirit and often wish that your spirit was the sun and that I could bathe in it - letting it kiss my skin and warm my body right to my soul. I can only thank you for all that you are for me, and to me - and offer to you the same from me. I love you so very much. Thank you my loving friend.

From my soul to yours.

Fighting my fears

As the end of the semester nears, I fear what I've always feared every since my adult life: Idleness. It seems that with each passing year idleness seems to scare me even more. It's such a catch 22 with me. I want things to do, so I fill my schedule up to the brim, and then I'm stressed out and complain. I've yet to find an even medium.

More often than not, I'm filing up my time to help me NOT think about issues that I know are bothering me or affecting me...this needs to stop.

Honestly, I'm tired of being told by people close to me that I have a brick up - that I'm a great emotional actress - because the honest to God truth is that I want so much to be honest about my feelings and emotions - my most inner ones. But, I'm so afraid of being vulnerable, and being hurt. I'm afraid of being seen as less of a strong person - of being judged for my choices and decisions in life - and probably even more - afraid to admit that sometimes, I have no idea about me and my life and how I'm supposed to feel.

Sometimes I feel so unbreakable, so confident in my life, goals, ambitions, etc. - and other times, I wonder.....
I know this is normal, but it feels terrifying every time. I like stability, but so much of my life is unstable right now - and I'm off balance because of it. It's harder to fight battles when you're not grounded in something... I just feel like my footing is kind of off right now.

A little bit about me...

I'm Carl Rogers, Julia Roberts, and Williams Shakespear all wrapped up in one! - lol,

I was bored and did a personality profile while in class - I think the results are pretty accurate =) (Take the Quiz Yourself!)

Personality Type Report

INTROVERT:
While you may not be anti-social, you do need (and deserve) your private time and space to retreat from the world. Unlike extroverts, you need to develop a concept of the world or some aspect of it before experiencing it. Too much socializing may sap your energies. Your energies are derived from exploring the inner world of ideas, impressions and pure thought.

INTUITIVE:
While you do process information through your senses you add a twist to your processing by relying on intuition and serendipity. You look for undercurrents of meaning and abstractions in what you experience physically. You do not just see things just as they are, but as what they could be. While you may rely on common sense at times, you trust inspiration far more.

PERCEIVING:
You like to have as much information as possible before making a decision. Putting off a final decision until the last moment does not make you uncomfortable. Indeed once a decision is made, a course plotted, you may feel a bit uneasy, because you feel bound to a certain course of action. You would much prefer to wait and see what happens. You enjoy the opportunity to improvise. Commitments are not etched in stone to you, and are changeable.

FEELING:
You make decisions subjectively based upon your values and what is important to you. How people will be affected by your decisions is important to you. You are likely to make decisions based upon what you feel is acceptable and agreeable rather than what is logical. Your truths are founded in your values and those of the society you live in. It is important to remember that we are discussing how you evaluate data and make decisions, and that you rely on your feelings to do so in no way implies you are overly emotional.

Your Personality Type Introvert/Intuitive/Feeling/Perceiving

You are devoted and compassionate. You have a well-developed distaste for rules, orders and schedules. You are a natural born learner and can get so absorbed in your projects that you forget those around you. You are passionate about your beliefs and love ideals. You have very high standards for yourself. You are very creative, sensitive, reserved, and introspective. You respect the values of others and expect them to respect yours.

In relationships you are loyal and totally committed. You prefer a few deep relationships over a horde of acquaintances. Because you are somewhat reserved, you do best in one on one and small group situations. When you feel comfortable, you can be very entertaining and capricious. You are nurturing and supportive by nature. You greatest social challenge is to balance your need to withdraw into your inner-world with your need to keep a strong connection with those you care for. .

Famous People of Your Type:
Homer, Virgil, Mary, mother of Jesus, St. John, St. Luke, William Shakespeare, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, A. A. Milne, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Helen Keller, Carl Rogers, Fred Rogers, Dick Clark, Donna Reed, Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis, Neil Diamond, Tom Brokaw, James Herriot, Annie Dillard, James Taylor, Julia Roberts, Scott Bakula, John F. Kennedy, Jr.

Occupations Suited to Your Type Include:
Actor, architect, artist, composer, editor, translator, journalist, librarian, musician, occupational therapist, psychotherapist, educator, researcher, scientist, and writer. <-------- I've wished I was all of those at one point in my life!!! (minus the occupational therapist and architect lol)

block

I want to write, but I can't. I'll just wait for inspiration....

Inspiration...please come forth and present yourself! I know you're there - I can feel you inside of me - just wanting to come out - please come out and help me bring some warmth or contentment into my life - I feel so cold and unsettled at his moment... I need you to wrap yourself around me, inspiration. I need you to whisper words of wisdom and innuendos to me - I need to feel comforted by you so that my words and thoughts flow freely through you - like water falling freely through the air forming a beautiful waterfall, or raindrops....like when I first found you and couldn't stop talking!
Oh inspiration... I need you right now... I need to feel you vibrating in my heart, my body - like the vibrations of my father's walk when he was coming to tuck me in for bed - familiar - soothing... I need you right now.
I need you to bring sound to my voice, I need you to bring my thoughts and words alive, as if they were being played on the keys of a piano - I need you to make me wanna sing....

I need you inspiration... I need you to help take this burden off of my mind, off my soul. I need your help to carry this weight off of me and help disperse it into the universe... I need you to help me feel light - like laying out in the sun all day... free, glowing, full of life, ready for the next adventure that will conjure up more inspiration...

Can you please show yourself inspiration... I'll be waiting patiently. =)