As the end of the semester nears, I fear what I've always feared every since my adult life: Idleness. It seems that with each passing year idleness seems to scare me even more. It's such a catch 22 with me. I want things to do, so I fill my schedule up to the brim, and then I'm stressed out and complain. I've yet to find an even medium.
More often than not, I'm filing up my time to help me NOT think about issues that I know are bothering me or affecting me...this needs to stop.
Honestly, I'm tired of being told by people close to me that I have a brick up - that I'm a great emotional actress - because the honest to God truth is that I want so much to be honest about my feelings and emotions - my most inner ones. But, I'm so afraid of being vulnerable, and being hurt. I'm afraid of being seen as less of a strong person - of being judged for my choices and decisions in life - and probably even more - afraid to admit that sometimes, I have no idea about me and my life and how I'm supposed to feel.
Sometimes I feel so unbreakable, so confident in my life, goals, ambitions, etc. - and other times, I wonder.....
I know this is normal, but it feels terrifying every time. I like stability, but so much of my life is unstable right now - and I'm off balance because of it. It's harder to fight battles when you're not grounded in something... I just feel like my footing is kind of off right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment