Above Anything Else

It's so wonderful that two beautiful creatures like us
could meet in this profoundly vast universe;
On this astonishingly amazing world.

Makes me feel honored to be chosen
to experience this feeling. Makes me feel,
hopeful about things to come;
Makes me want to give back,
give thanks to this world; this universe,
for allowing our particles to co-mingle.

There will be connections with other particles,
Perhaps. But none like this.
Uniqueness in everything is something, that
this universe will always provide.

I'll always crave this combination though,
this recipe, created by this universe.
Made with genuine emotions, laughter,
tears, honesty, intimacy, sharing -
and above anything else, Love.

Faith Part 2

okay, so this is the part that's hard for me....


I had faith (see my previous post), and despite my devotion to it, alas, it has failed me... what am I to do now? restore my faith in... in what? Is that the rule? If you put all your eggs in one basket and it falls over, then pick up what's salvageable and find something else to put your eggs in? Sooner or later you'll run out of eggs, or storage places - neither of which sounds good.



I'm tired of believing.. I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of wanting..... I'm tired of faith! I don't know what it wants from me. It wants my soul - it wants me to give it everything - and it leaves me here empty - that is.. after it's taken my hopes, my dreams, even the security that I had in my fears, - after it takes it all, and just leaves me here... to fill up with hope again? Are you serious? I just can't do it anymore.


I'm tired of looking for faith - I've lost it -and I don't want to find it anymore. I'm just so tired..
I feel as though the universe is slowly pulling energy out of me through my eyes in the form of tears.... crying is so exhausting. My eyes are swollen, they are red from stress and frustration. My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my soul aches.... The only cure I have for this pain is to close my eyes... so I sleep, I sleep, I daydream, I keep my eyes closed for as long as I can to somehow alleviate the pain my eyes are causing me. I can't stop the tears... every waking hour is a battle between my mind, my throat, and those damn eyes.... My mind telling my throat, if you tense up long enough... you can stop the tears.. and my eyes laugh crookedly, telling my mind - this has nothing to do with you. I'm tired of fighting. I just want to relax, but I can't see clearly through these tears... and I'm so afraid, so lost.
I need to find my way again. Somehow I've stumbled onto this rainy street that looks so familiar, somehow I'd forgotten it was raining and didn't think to bring my umbrella. Never forget your umbrella.

Faith, please take pity on me. Maybe I'm wrong about what I want, but please show me the way - I can't take this anymore - it's too much, I'm not as strong as you've tried to build me up to be. I need your help right now, and you've abandoned me. (I feel like a faith-fiend, goodness) I just want to be me again...


Perhaps it's not faith that I'm having a gripe with, perhaps it's love, Perhaps its the realization that even if you want and believe in something so much - oh wait - no that sounds like faith, okay. It's time for me to stop feeding faith my eggs - it's time for me to learn to cook them myself.

Lessons in the Rain

I will now try to make this my “reflection” time –

It’s so strange, people say that you learn something new everyday, but, there are some days where you learn something that you already knew, but may have somehow forgotten. It’s usually the things that are most important to you as a being – these things that we continue to learn over again; these themes in our lives, must be recurrent, I’m assuming (I use the word assuming because I’m ‘only’ 26, and unfortunately, true wisdom comes with true old age). These instances when you have a day and you reflect on what you’ve learned and you come to the realization that you are in that same spot in your mind … that spot that you just knew was filled already – it’s a scary and sobering experience…

It’s a constant reminder that we can never stop searching, or living for what we want – for what we believe, for what we know in our hearts to be moral and valuable to us. Too many times we let our circumstances, whatever they may be, cast fog onto our path – and when the fog settles, it’s a brand new path, and blinded – we continue on this precipitated path, wet with all the traps and tests that we have already past – but, now, they look new.. and we feel a sense of accomplishment while we tread through this new found snow, sleet and hell – and when we get to the sunny part – when we finally see our path again – we realize that it was there all along – we had just forgotten to bring our umbrellas –

We have to shield ourselves from taking that detour – from walking backwards on our path – by creating an umbrella of learned lessons – our own personal web of truths, that we KNOW to be true for us- because we’ve crossed that bridge, because we have seen it already – because we have ‘been there’ and have vowed never to go back… willingly or not – we have to be stronger in our umbrella that we call our mind … we must shield against the rainy days of our lives…

But – aren’t the rainy days when people actually get a chance to think about them? – touché…

Dreams about My Mom

Everything reverts back to her- no matter what it is –if something really good happens – I think of her – if something really crappy goes wrong and I feel like shit – I think of her – I dream of her….
While in the train station waiting for this train to Rome after we missed our morning one, and after a mild spat, I tried to get some rest –I was hungry, cranky and tired ----- I dreamt of her again - I dreamt of her last night too… Last night I dreamt that I was at the Serenader and she was there, behind the bar – with her big smile and gap in her teeth =) just as charismatic as I remember her. Not feeble and stripped of her dignity and pride as I remember in her last few days… No one seemed to remember that she had passed – or rather, no one seemed it weird that she was there even though she had passed – people greeted her “we missed you Kim!” – I walked in and she smiled as if she knew what I was thinking… I couldn’t speak to her… I asked around – “what’s going on here?” - that’s really all I can remember – but, again in my dream I am disappointed in myself for not taking the opportunity to talk with her one last time….
In this dream- in the train station… I was at a family members house, it was me, my dad and Kim… and she walked in the door – her face was the same – not like before she passed –but like herself…. But she was short, really short –even shorter than Ba’Ngoai. She walked with a cane and she walked slowly. Despite that, she still had her glow and air of charisma that she carried with her everywhere…. And of course she still had her feisty fighting spirit – or at least I could feel it – I was sitting next to Kim on the couch, which was next to the door –Kim looked at her and greeted her like this was normal –my dad chimed in “Hey Kim!” , she looked at me and I still could not speak to her – tears started welding up in my eyes, I said to Kim - “but Mom’s dead” – Kim responded to me “ so, she’s right here now. What’s wrong?”.. didn’t have an answer – and as I tried to study this image of my mother and perhaps work up the courage to say something, it was too late – she was walking toward the back of the home, completely oblivious to anything happening in the front of the home – and I was left perplexed and empty – I awoke at that moment.
I think this dream disturbed me the most because out of all the dreams –this is the only one that she appeared in a way that I have never seen her in real life before – I usually picture her how she was right before she passed – or have snapshots of moments that happened while she was sick - or, my better dreams – when she was free of cancer – or at least cancer hadn’t gotten the best of her yet; But this dream was different – I saw her as a image of a feeble old woman, with a young woman’s face and spirit… and even in this distorted image, I could not work up the nerve to speak – even in my dreams.
Maybe one time I will speak with her, and she will tell me that she is okay – or I don’t know – maybe it will make me feel better. Maybe I will confront the issue I have with not really asking all the questions I wanted to before she passed – or not saying all I wanted to say – or doing all I wanted to do…
Almost a year later I am still feeling feelings as if she had passed last week. It’s so funny how resilient I seemed when it first happened – how sure of myself that I had prepared for her passing, and that it wouldn’t be that hard because we all knew she was sick and it wasn’t all of a sudden. How foolish of me. But, honestly, I don’t know if reacting differently at the time would have made a big difference on how I feel now.
I don’t know how to not let these feelings control me sometimes – and I hate feeling like I don’t have control over my emotions, or thoughts – perhaps that’s why these dreams disturb me so – I think maybe writing about it may be a good step – I haven’t been able to write about her since … well – I haven’t been able to write honestly about her death since it happened and even before it happened – I just hope that these feelings are getting stronger because it will be a year since it happened soon – and that I will eventually be able to think about her, or times that we’ve spent together, without completely breaking down inside – without feeling as if I say anything that I will completely fall apart. I hope that I will be able to talk to her to Aamayah without fear of scaring her half to death because I can’t stop crying, or because I’m so sad. I just want to be able to accept it and move on – it’s so hard. And what makes it even harder is to know that I will eventually have to go through this again with someone else with whom I deeply care for and love. There is no way to prepare – there is no way to know how it will effect you – even years later – It is a humbling and frightening experience – it takes you out of yourself…. And sometimes that’s not always a good thing.

Faith - what it means to me.

From http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/faith:

1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1): fidelity to one's promises (2): sincerity of intentions
2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2): complete trust
3: something that is believed especially with strong conviction ; especially : a system of religious beliefs faith

So, what the fuck does this mean anyway? I mean, we all know what "He acted in good faith" means... but that's not the type of faith that I'm talking about - I'm talking about the faith that makes the statement "I have faith that he will act in good faith."
Seriously, about 2 years ago, I wouldn't even begin to waste my time contemplating over what faith was... It was just something religious people said to look more "religious" in front of us other "common" folk.... but, in these past years, I've come to realize how faith can be an important part of life and growth - perhaps, or maybe, what I've come to realize is - that I want to explore faith and what it means in life and how it all connects to everything or how it connects everyone.. I want to know more - and coming from a place that I've been - that's amazing.


I'm not sure that I completely understand it, or that I ever really will - but I guess that's the whole premise of the thing... believing in something, that you're not sure of, or believing in something that can't be proven or verified, or promised, or predicted... just knowing that things will workout, no matter what - faith. What things work out to be is a completely different story - but the belief that things will - goodness - it's amazing.



It doesn't sound amazing.. like - just believing? I mean, anyone can do that right? So what's the big difference? I don't know... and that's what i'm trying to find out - it's a daunting task... but, it is most rewarding. I think that I'm taking the right steps, I mean, in order to fully believe something, a piece of you - even if it's tiny, must want to believe in it.... and, I'm guessing the next part is to believe in your belief.. if that makes any sense at all - that is the step that I'm on right now - which for me poses an almost impossible task - I barely believe in myself, and the things that I do now that are tangible - how the heck am I supposed to trust my ideas, my beliefs that the ideal that I have for something in the future will happen and be just because it's the "right thing" to happen. I mean - I guess with faith comes patience... Look at the Hebrews... but despite it all - they had faith - and they overcame...



I know I have faith - I can feel it - I tell my boyfriend all the time that I have faith in us - and this is the first time that I've ever felt this way... and I can't really describe it - so, is what I'm feeling really faith, or just a really strong hope - or is there even a difference? I'm sure there are many times when people have faith in things and in the end - their faith just wasn't enough - what then? do you then turn and blame it on destiny, or fate, or something like that? Or do you blame the person and say "well - your faith must not have been strong enough".. or do you just chalk it up as mis-guided faith - if there is even such a thing... when this happens, can we just say that it was just a really strong hope, and not faith?



I think my fear is that in believing in faith so much, I will be completely immersed in it and be devastated if my faith proved to be "wrong". It's so hard to believe in today's world, it's so hard to even live. I'm afraid that if I believe in faith as much as I believe in love - I may be hurt doubly as bad when one or two of the things don't go the way I want - I mean, how can you have faith in something that you don't love? You need that intensity of love, admiration, devotion... to even fathom the thought of "having faith" in it - I mean, you can believe it - but do you have faith? ---



well - this was just a big ramble with no big conclusion or bang - but, that's whats going on in my head so... I'll keep my faith search updated.. am sure it will change as I do - as does the world. anywho... that's all I have to say about that. for now.. :)

While you wait... 25 Random Things

Okay- so this was originally supposed to be a facebook post.. but I couldn't think of 25 random things about me (I am so uninspiring sometimes)... anywho... so, now that I've finally got the list down, the whole facebook thing is over - so I figured I would post it on my blog to help me get out of this writing (or lack there of) rut that I'm in.. hopefully it works... I have about 7 "drafts" that I've been working on over the last month - but just haven't been able to lock down a thought, emotion, position, whatever.. anywho... I feel it coming.. just hold on to your screens and be prepared! :)

In the meantime, please enjoy these intermissions:

___________________ 25 random things about Yvonne, By Yvonne _______________

1. Contrary to popular belief, I’m really not happy, smiling and excited all the time (but most of the time :0) ).

2. I live at least 10 other lives hypothetically in my mind everyday

3. I believe that love is the purpose of life…or at least part of it somewhere

4. I’ve actually pictured two old wrinkled people having sex

5. I don’t really like watermelon or grape/purple drinks.

6. I’m a social wallflower, until picked, and then I just completely bloom.

7. I secretly wish I was a writer.

8. My aunt and uncle had to stop taking me to the video store with them because I would run off to the “adult” section and gleefully yell “Boobies” at the top of my lungs… thank goodness I yelled in Vietnamese! Lol.

9. I come up with my best ideas and thoughts while driving.

10. This list just made me realized that I’m not as funny as I thought I was

11. I have a freakish pen fetish… I love them!!!

12. I’ve gotten through most of my life with these words “eh, I don’t care, you choose”

13. If I get really excited I make this rumbly, throaty growl. (surprisingly, this is not sexual in nature)

14. Filmore slim and Dru down have been to my bar more than once.

15. I blurt out song quotes in the most inappropriate situations – all the time.

16. I hate nails scratching on a chalk board... that would be the perfect form of torture for me.

17. Sometimes I feel like an old person trapped in a young persons body.

18. Sometimes I feel like a kid trapped in an adults life.

19. I used to eat taco bell's mild taco sauce packets and drink water on my way home from school.

20. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue. ( I know, generic...but random)

21. I like country music (there, I've finally admitted it...)

22. I can't stand drippy faucets or anything that makes little noises like a ticking alarm clock or something.

23. My tummy itches when I drink alcohol.

24. My toenail on my right big toe got pulled off by a door when I was 6. (it's grown back.. don't be too grossed out)

25. I still doodle the name of the person I love with hearts and stars next to them. (yes, I know... I'm working on growing up.)

more random stuff

some random stuff I wrote a couple months ago....

AUTUMN

it seems as if im going to start to dread the fall. But how can I dread a season that I love so much? death...abandonment... well, i guess, fall is the season of death.

I wonder what that says about me - or the people who choose autumn as one of their favorite seasons? I mean, autumn represents not death itself, as does winter, but rather, the most grueling part of the life cycle... the point right before death... the deteriation. We watch plants die and rebirth themselves each year. So, in theory are humans just another fruit of the earth, like the plants... here only for a certain amount of time, only to be recycled.. I guess that's what the birth process is all about.


------- later the same night,.. 2/20/09--------------

i love that we are constantly reminded about how very different and unique each and everyone of us.




------------------------------ the next day --------------

i dont know what to write...
I just know that I feel, I feel so much.......
everything.... everyday.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sat and listened....

We Are......

FAMILY! - Thanks Diana and the Supremes! :)


Okay – so, I’m supposed to be writing about family in this post… I’m not really feeling that poetic these days so, it’s just a splatter of my random thoughts on the subject, separated, somewhat, by paragraphs… here goes:

Now, I know that I’m a sucker for love and that I love anything that has to do with love. I believe that almost anything can be made possible with love. But, I can say that although Love may be one of the most important things – Family is neck and neck with it….. I mean, when you think about it – we learn to love from our families. Our families – whom ever they may be (I’ll touch on that later) are the first ones to show us how to love, how to treat others, and basically how to live.

I don’t think anyone would argue that family is important – but I think that people fail to realize the magnitude or the extreme importance of family. I have always known how significant family is, but until working in my position now, I can’t say that I understood the true meaning of the term.
At work I go see an average of 4 families a day – in their homes, in their private lives. It’s amazing. I’m lucky enough to enter 4 different worlds each day – 4 different lives of these mothers, 4 different stories. And while one family may be well to do, and the next families lights are getting shut off, and another family is just so obnoxious that I can’t stand them – they all have one thing in common – their family comes first above everything else. Aside from their living conditions and the everyday stressors of life, they all strive to make their family the best family that it can be.
Now, I’m going to get a little technical – just a little. So, technically – in order for a family to be a family – there has to be children – I mean – two people are just a couple, you’re not a family until you two have a little one. That should stress the importance of the word right there – I mean, how important is it to be shaping someone’s life – to be the “go to” man (or woman) in this persons life –to be what your mother, or father, or caregiver was to you – gosh, it just means so much. How can that NOT be important to someone? How can that NOT be something that you try your hardest at? This is why family is so powerful – It starts from nothing, and it grows. Family grows together – from the beginning into forever. It’s a guaranteed forever…It’s destiny – some may argue. Families help mold each other and shape each other and create bonds from so young that you can’t strip those connections away – they are embedded in you like the markings you might find on a grain of rice. – no way to break free – family is in our blood.

Families provide that safe place – they provide structure in a world that is otherwise viewed as chaotic. If you think about it – family is almost essential to survival. Even those who don’t have or can’t identify with a ‘biological’ family create families early on with individuals with whom they are close to… I mean, gangs were created with the whole notion of family – people crave closeness, we desire to feel loved – and who will love you if your family hasn’t taught you to love – showed you how to love?
Sometimes families are all that people have left, many times families are the reason that many people keep pushing, keep living, keep learning – In my profession – sometimes family is the one thing that determines success or failure – life or death.

No matter who is in your family or what type of family it is – you are above all else – Family. You are bonded in a way that no other person or group of people can bond with you – These bonds are full of frustration, and anger sometimes yes – but, more importantly, they are full of shared experiences, shared emotions, shared dreams.

Obama and Michelle have started doing a great job of bringing the dream of “family” back into the individualistic American society – I only hope that the image, the hope, and the love of family touches everyone enough to keep family number 1.

But, what's your motivation?

I heard a women ask another women at work today "do you 'journal'" -and the other women said, not since she was a teenager- she just didn't have time anymore... the first lady said to her - you can always find time to journal - and then the other women says - "I need motivation- i don't have motivation" and me, being the nosy person that I am blurted out "LIFE!!! life is the greatest motivation of all!" - and I meant it. And while she'll go home tonight with her kids and her husband and think about all the things that have happened in her day, and her life - she will still be searching for her motivation...

Sometimes I think people look too hard to find motivation... it's like your mind is like those "Where's Waldo" books... it's all cluttered and full of great and different exciting things... but you're looking for that one thing; person, situation, event - and so you pass up all those other very interesting events or people still looking for that one... and yeah, sometimes you find him... and you're really excited, and it's really good - but sometimes, you don't, and you have to keep turning the pages and try again later ...
When that happens, just think of all the great things you overlooked just to be empty handed in the end.
I say go with anything that catches your eye - or motivation for that matter - even if it's just a little - we are only on this earth for so long - why waste most of it looking for something that is right in front of our faces? If you can feel feelings- you have motivation... and those two things are all you need.

I can't lie, I'm one of the main culprits of complaining about no motivation - but I'm learning :) - Maybe my new found motivational freedom will get me to write more... even if it's just random stuff like this... :)

Goodness, I love words. They are really a gift that should be cherished... Words, like most art, create concrete memories... and memories, well - they are priceless. I think memories are one of the most important parts of life - one of my favorites. :) Wish I could write as many words as I have memories.... :)

Perspective

it's so funny how your perspective of things change at different points in your life - and not just the age thing...but like how you think about a certain quote today can be completely different tomorrow if you had different experiences. I was just looking at some of my drafts and reading how I started the blog and I just couldn't finish it - I just didn't feel the same way I did when I was "inspired" by the quote the first time. But the funny thing is - I'm still inspired by the quote, but in a completely different way! Just imagine all the 'alterations' our mind has made about certain situations larger than a quote.... any who.. just thought that was interesting... not like this blog entry - sorry.

"Stop This World" - Ne-Yo

Okay, so, I didn't know if I should put this on this blog, but, hey, it's mine and I can do whatever I want! I originally just wanted to put famous quotes or whatever here, but, I can't help do songs as well... I mean, they have quotes in them too! :) So, here is what I think about this one...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYxZ6moPP_8&feature=related

Okay... First, just let me say YES!!!!! Oh my Goodness.... Ne-yo, you fucking nailed it!!!! I think it's every womans dream to make a man feel like this... He did such a great job of explaining the feeling of just being in love. This song moved me so much - and yes, I'm a little bias since I'm a hopeless romantic... but, for real- for real... this song alone has made Ne-yo one of my favorite male artists. There are a few lines in the song I want to single out though, most of them are from the 2nd verse...:

I wanna start with the chorus...

" It's too good to be true
I don't deserve you
I never felt a love strong enough to
Stop this world from spinning"

Alright - wow, the last line is so powerful, and I don't think anyone who hasn't been in love will fully be able to apprehend what he's talking about. It's so beautiful when you are in this point in a relationship and it's sooooo good, that you don't even feel like you deserve to have it, just absolutely beautiful. The thing I like most about the last line is how he took the common saying "my world revolves around you" and took it to a whole other level - like, no, you have stopped my world, I'm am in complete awe - that's just how amazing your love is... like whoa dude.... ummm, can you teach seminars? hahahaha for real though. okay, moving on....

"In her smile is the most amazing dream
And in her eyes I fall asleep"

okay... another WOW moment.. maybe because I've experienced this myself.. it's been said that the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and I'm a believer - this line just paints the most beautiful picture of love in my mind... all the hope and promise that love carries and how it can really just feel so.... euphoric. This is absolutely my most favorite line.

Thank you Ne-yo for expressing love, in the most amazing way.

old reflections

just something that I wrote awhile ago, but I can still relate to....

June 19, 2008

I have to remember to savor these smells, these touches, these small utterances of your voice… so that when they aren’t around, they are not hard for me to remember.

I was beginning to forget; beginning to forget how to remember – the smell can only last for so long. Yes, memories last longer, but you’ve gotta make those first before you can remember, longing and remembering are different…too much longing not enough remembering….

Traffic traps me in my thoughts… thinking about nothing, everything, you

..."Love with no need to preempt grievance..." - Elizabeth Alexander, part of the 2009 inaugrational poem

So, this part of the poem was part of a bigger quote, I feel like I have to include the whole thing in order to get the full effect... I don't too much like the middle part of the quote though... just the first line and the last....

"What if the mightiest word is love, love beyond marital, filial, national. Love that casts a widening pool of light. Love with no need to preempt grievance." ----

Oh love, oh love.... how I love love!!! :)


I wrote this the day of the inauguration... I didn't finish it - but thought that this was said enough :)

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. "

Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855) Danish philosopher and writer.


Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

Aint that the truth! This goes hand in hand with "If I knew then what I know now...". Man, the power of wisdom and understanding. The sad part is that when we finally achieve it and want to teach it and share it (wisdom that is)- the ones who are seeking it won't listen. They are seeking it in the wrong places... the same places that we sought for it. They too must chase after whatever wisdom they desire, or think that they may possess, only then will they gain the wisdom, wisdom that life isn't a race, or a chase, or something to hurry and get to the finish line...


Hindsight, or retrospection... the fucking beauty of these things.... realizing later that what you did was sort of stupid, and knowing that you can't go back to fix anything about it now... it's a m-f-er! it's a funny thing though... because, just think how much happier people, life, or maybe man kind would be if we didn't learn from previous experience... how naive we would all be...how sadly innocent...no one would want to change... no one would want to grow... no one would try to prevent stupid shit from happening again...

And think of it the other way... if we had all the wisdom we would ever have at birth or close to it... no one would ever take risks, no one would challenge authority.. There would still be no need or room for change... growth... So perhaps we are created exactly this way.... to live forward and understand backwards... because that is the only way that man can survive, when faced with situations that we are destined to fail at...just to learn that you shouldn't do it... Perhaps thats what those seven deadly sins are... anyhow... I'm obviously way too tired, I cant even stay on the subject... guess I'll call it a night.. until the next quote... ! :) G'night.

Random Ramblings

Omg… I just saw the footage of the Oscar Grant shooting in Oakland… wtf man, wtf! Was that a planned conspiracy, maybe a payback for obama… what the fuck???? I mean, that was blatant murder in front of tons of people! Do our security and government systems run us to the point that they are void of all consequences of the law? --- I sure hope we still aren’t living in that society. But everyday I wake up and, here we are… a lot has changed, but when will it all? Will it ever? Can it ever? What will it take? Will man eventually kill ourselves before we kill the planet? Is that the big game? Maybe earth is just a game that someone in the wide vast universe is playing… put a species on this planet and see how long it can survive…right now amphibians and invertebrates are beating everyone’s ass!! Lol. Anywho… that’s besides the subject…

How does it feel to take a life? How does that person feel for the rest of his life? Whether it was by accident or intentional, how can you live with that? I imagine that would be the heaviest burden to bear… goodness… Sometimes I wonder if all people feel those emotions that we consider to be universal human emotions… like, guilt, regret. I know people show signs and report that they don’t …but, I wonder, if somewhere, waaay deep down inside, those people even feel a tinge of guilt… I sure hope they do…but even if they did… the tragedy still remains. Fuck.