Mother's Day is Coming....

In preparation for my sister's wedding, I keep getting reminded that Mother's day is coming up.... man.


Momma... it's almost been 4 years....


I can remember it so vividly... It was a Thursday night/Friday morning....November 7, 2008. I had gotten off a little bit earlier from bartending than usual - she was in the hospital - about 5 minutes away from the bar.... I couldn't deal with it that night - I made a right instead and got onto the freeway towards Sacramento - towards my apartment - my safe haven.... As I passed the race track in El Cerrito on 880 - I got a phone call - it was my brother - I guess they were waiting until I was off.... He asked me where I was. "driving back home" I told him... he said I need to get to the hospital now. I said, why, what's going on?! - "Just hurry and get here, it's not looking good"...  


I was optimistic. Even after just 3 days earlier, - the day Obama got elected into office -... as I pulled up in Davis to see history being made with friends, I got a phone call from my sister... we found out that the cancer that had spread to her brain was continuing to spread, and that chemo or radiation wouldn't help - that we would have to decide whether or not if we wanted to do surgery.... before we could do that - it had spread so much that surgery wasn't even an option anymore... 


I was still optimistic when I turned around and tears started to stream down my eyes. All I could think of was her, in pain, fighting this cancer in her body - trying so hard to take her over.... it could never take her spirit though. I was optimistic when I walked into the hospital and walked into the ICU section.... but - all my optimism died when I talked to the attending nurse.
"I'm here to see my mom, Do... Do Jefferson" - "Yes, right this way - she's in room 13, you'll need to put on this visitor pass first though ma'am.".... Room 13! Room 13?... Room 13 :(. I know I'm super superstitious sometimes - but, something in me knew... something in me just knew that the fight was over. I didn't want to believe it though. 


I ran into my brother and sister in the hallway before I got into the room. They were in tears, pain, consoling each other. I quickly asked them what was going on. They said that they were glad I had finally made it - I was the last one. I didn't ask anymore questions, we all headed towards the room.


Everyone was crowded around my mom. My grandmother was there, all my uncles and aunts, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews...way more than just 3 visitors in here... I knew something was up. She saw me, and her eyes grew larger. I could tell she was happy to see me. I wonder what I looked like when I looked at her. I know what I felt. I felt...scared, and ashamed that I was just going to go home and pretend like life wasn't happening around me. I felt terrified, and I felt like wanting to rip all of those IV's out of my mother's arms for her, and heal her from all of her pain, and suffering - to just erase the chemo, the breast surgery, the losing hair , the endless meds - just...everything. 


Everyone was crying. She was in so much pain, and couldn't really talk much. I was afraid to touch her in fear of hurting her more, but, I did anyway. I was happy I did, and I could tell she was too. I'm sobbing by this time, and I kiss her, and hug her the best I can with all of those cords around her. Not much talking... a lot of feeling. She passed not too long after that. We were all around, and... her eyes opened wide, like....like she was scared... I couldn't tell if she was in extreme pain, or was just terrified..., and then... just as quickly, there was a calm in her face...her soul had left her body - she was no longer with us in the flesh. 


It all happened so fast. I couldn't believe anything that was happening. There are pieces that are missing that I can't piece together, but, I'll never forget her face, and I'll never forget feeling like.... she waited for me. She waited for me to get there to pass. She stayed in pain, she kept fighting until she could see me, and say goodbye to me. A great mom all the way to the end. I love her and I miss her so much. I'd give anything in the world to just be in her presence again. To just be able to call her and tell her that I love her. 


Thank you for waiting for me, Mom... I know it took a lot to keep fighting for that long. I'll never forget that - I'll remember it for the rest of my life, and as far as my soul lets me remember. 

Acceptance

My father just got through talking to me about 3 friends of his that have passed recently - one just last week, someone he's know for over 45 years... someone that he's shared memories with before I was even imagined into the realms of this world. Much like how my father confided in me when my mom passed...about his feelings about after life - he's fears of the unknown...I had an awkward moment when I didn't know what to say. But, unlike those other moments, I stepped outside of myself, and spoke up...offered condolences that a daughter would, asked him questions about his friend - their life, his memories that he had of them when he was with my mother... I felt myself get closer to my father than I have ever felt before, and I feel pretty close to him :).


I find myself having these more grown up, authentic, life talks with the important people around me. My grandmother went to the hospital last night - heart problems. Nothing too serious, but, everytime, it's a wake up call. It was interesting... the feeling I had when talking to my dad. Normally - I am terrified of the thought of death -the mere mentioning of it's presence in this world would make me embody the three monkey statues (hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil)... but, this time - I wasn't overcome with fear. Yes, it's still there - the omnipresent idea of death at any corner - for anybody, at anytime... but, instead of being afraid... I was happy - happy that my father is still living - that he still has minutes, hours, days... I pray years - to do what he sees fit for himself - his children... his life. I was happy that I still have chances to right wrongs that I feel I can change - that I still get a chance to continue to make a difference and impact my daughters life hands on... Happy to be in that moment - reflecting on my father's years before me, and hear him talk about him living his life - when he was about my age... I found myself appreciating life - rather than being afraid to live it.


When my mom passed, I didn't know what changed - but I knew something in me had changed... drastically. I couldn't put my finger on it - and, I still can't pin point the change either- but, it was monumental - something that everyone outside of my family near to me noticed. I was (or am) operating on a different perspective on life after that... and I'm not sure that I really knew how, or was ready to fully embrace life through that perspective. I didn't want to - I didn't want to have to believe that she was gone. That she would never be there any more to offer advice, a shoulder to lean on, ginger pepper chicken when I was sick... I couldn't believe that death was a part of this life - my life. I guess that's all part of the process - denial... everyone has to go through it, and there is never really and set time frames for any of the stages. And, while it felt good to be able to deny the obvious when I was doing it -it feels better now that I am learning acceptance.


As her birthday nears (the 3rd one that she will have spent away physically) I don't feel myself dreaded the day. I'm not balled up in the corner of my shower bawling, I'm not staring off to space during a visit or a meeting. I am acknowledging all my feelings... good and bad... and embracing them... being with them... with her. I look forward to the day that i can celebrate the day that my mother was brought into this world, the day that my destiny and existence became a more tangible part of the universe. I will drink her favorite drinks, eat her favorite foods, and sing her favorite songs - because i know that she lives through me. Although I will never know lessons that I know she wanted to share with me -I have the ones that she did, and those will live on forever. :). My mom was a very strong woman, who had been through a lot, and she didn't let cancer get her down..at least not without a fight - and I won't continue to let cancer tarnish wonderful memories that I have of her.


I try very hard not to envision her with cancer when I think of her... it's easier around her birthday :)... but, as November nears, I know that it will be a struggle. I'm just thankful for the life and family and friends that I have with me now - and even more thankful for the family and friends that can help me in remembering my mother, ones who have been blessed with the opportunity to have met her in her and their lifetime - she was truly one phenomenal woman. I love her...lol.


All I can do is live my life to my fullest potential, give love, receive it, and hopefully fill my daughter with enough love to out live both of our lives. :) Acceptance, of even the hard things, is nice - I mean, it's a starting point. :)

The Ox and the Mule

There are some things that I have been thinking about in terms of me getting "there" - and I feel it, and you keep mentioning, that..I'm changing, that I'm almost there, that you know I will get there, and like I said, I feel that too - but, I'm starting to think that maybe I just can't get there fast enough for you - that maybe I can't reach the finish line before you're gone... Maybe, no matter how hard I try, and how hard I push myself... you're just too far ahead and I won't be able to walk the stage with you...

Not saying that it's a 'fault' thing, like, not that I'm not trying, and not that you haven't been patient and have been pushing me, coaching me along... but thinking that it could just be a timing thing... Perhaps we're both too focused with our life "goal" - to get married, and have (more) kids that we are trying to get there too fast, because we don't want to be on the journey too long - we don't want to risk getting tired, and losing the race.. or worse, getting injured and not being able to finish. Perhaps I'm trying to push myself too hard, that...I'm not seeing the internal damage that it might be doing to my or our overall 'career' - sure, I might finish this race with flying colors, but what about future races? What about the blow that this race is taking on me, and how it's affecting my ability to continue for the long run? what about the same exact questions for my 'coach'? - should I pace myself... or is this a qualifying race, and once I'm done here, then, the rest of the race will be moderate speed?... But, with a race this serious --- racing life ---- aren't all of the races qualifying? so... should I just pace myself, and just be ok with the fact that sometimes I won't qualify for all the races, but, eventually, I'll get there, and I'll win... I could see myself doing that - if I was racing alone - but.. the thing is...when you're working with a coach, and they are pushing you - you don't want to let them down... and they don't want to see you fail... and, the problem with me saying or accepting that I would be OK with pacing myself instead of running at 100% all the time, is that... me asking myself... is my COACH ok with that? will my coach take all that training that he put me through, and say... ok, lets just work with what I've given you and take it slow for a while... or will my coach be too focused on thier end goal - with getting thier runner, to win... ASAP, at any cost...

In one case, they (the runner and the coach) work together, through both of their frustrations and goals.. no matter what - until BOTH of them are exhausted of their resources and power - in the end, the runner has either ran the race, and won... or, maybe not - but they can be confident that they have tried every exercise, every routine in order to reach their maximum potential together....

in the other, one of their goals becomes more significant, or more pressing than the bond that they've created with their runner or coach - they start focusing more on their goal, instead of the other...and, they loose sight as to why they even wanted to work with each other in the first place... not to win, but... because they knew that they could work so well together - they had similar styles, and similar routines... the runner reminded the coach of their self...... in so many ways... In this last case, both the coach and the runner loose - the runner must now either run the race alone, taking the information given to him by his coach - and run the best race he can or perhaps find coaching somewhere else, that might enhance his earlier coaches teachings... and the coach, must either retire from coaching, or.. find another runner, perhaps who may need less coaching, and is on a level with which the coach feels more comfortable working at... to reach their goals... either way - no race has been won here - all subsequent races have been disqualified, and stricken from the schedule...

I don't know what all of this really means - It really just felt like something I needed to get out - I hope... no... I pray, that I am able to see the positive and light in any choice that the runner, or the coach chooses to make. The runner has no control over the coach, and the coach, has no real control over the runner. They can only control themselves... and push themselves to be the best runner, or coach, or just person that they can be... and hopefully... they might be able to be a team again - or, at least get to see one, or both of them, win a race, even if not together...


"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together. " - Deuteronomy 22:10 (ass is a donkey...lol)

Stepping Stones - My Journey Continues

So, I'm always continually exploring my spirituality and the notion of God, or Allah, or whom ever your religion says is the highest power... this was just something that crossed my mind while sitting with my spirituality and the like:

I am spiritual – I do believe in a higher power – but of course, my thinking has strayed as it usually does – and it has me wondering –

Is the reason that spirituality is so successful at helping people get through hardships, difficult times, and even through the most joyous times of their lives…. Is it because we need to believe that someone, or some being, or some spirit somewhere in the universe, other than ourselves, can really know EVERYTHING that we have been through and experienced… so that we don't feel so alone with our selves…

Like, the times that you've cried in the corner of the closet, or in the shower, or in the car…. Or the time that you were so happy that you couldn't help but to jump up and spin around in a circle in front of your own shadow -…. It just feels so much more better feeling as though you aren't alone during those situations – your most intimate ones… that you long for the whole world to feel or know you're feeling this way – but that you also want to hide away from everyone at the same time… it's easier to hide them, and share them with your spiritual guide… right? Idk – just some thoughts….

more old stuff

something I wrote like 50 million years ago.... I thought it was cute... like, high school type of love letters.... :) I've always been a hopeless romantic.

The perfect compliment:

What is the most perfect compliment you could give me?
You could tell me I'm beautiful or that I am smart,
that you admire every piece of me, every single part!
You could whisper sweet nothings in my ear to make me feel grand
You could just look deep in my eyes and tell me how much you love me while you hold my hand
But don't try too hard, for I don't think you will be able to find
Another compliment to outdo one you have already given me, that sweet compliment of mine
The compliment that I am speaking of, no one else can reproduce
Because, the greatest compliment to me ~ is you.

Back in the days when I was young....

So, I was going through some of my old emails and stumbled upon this folder that I created for myself. I wrote letters to myself quite often, detailing the events in my life...an online "email journal" if you will. It was brief, but informative. It's so crazy to look back at my writing back then and to see how far I've come from where I've been. The things I was going through and how I learned to cope - it's pretty inspiring thinking about it now - I've come a long way, even though it really doesn't feel like it - I still have yet so far to go. Anywho - I was actually more surprised at how much "poetry" (if I really want to call it that) that i wrote back then too - I mean, it wasn't on some Maya Angelou shit - it was really rhymie chimie stuff... but, it's just so weird. I feel so different and detached from who I was back then, but - when I look back, in essence, I was the exact same Yvonne - it's just the circumstances that I was in and certain decisions that I made that made me perceive myself as different. Deep down in the core, in my personal thoughts, in my hopes, dreams, fears... in the stuff that really makes someone who they are - my character, my heart, my soul.... it's always been the same - I've always been me - I'm just starting to find myself and know myself now... man.. life is so crazy - I love how I can learn from myself just from reading my writing - definitely inspired me to write to myself more often now - and to explore my artsy side - whatever may be there - even if it is the rhymie chimey stuff - it's me :)

Hey Momma...

I still miss her everyday...
It still hurts...
But, it is getting better - I think... I don't know.

I had a dream about her the other day
She was so beautiful... :)
we hugged, we cried, we resolved a bit...
it was like her spirit came back just to let me know that it was going to be okay.
It felt so real, I hope she knows how much I love her... how much she means to me
how much she will always mean to me -
even if I couldn't tell her that before she left this world.
I hope she knows, where ever her soul is right now - I hope she knows..

I love you momma.

Friendly Letter

Best Friend,

I miss you. Things just aren't the same without you here. Yes, i know that with time, things will get better and maybe some things will be just as they were before - but right now, I miss you - and I'm okay with that.

I'm so glad that we have been able to make so many wonderful memories together, and hope that we can continue to build on our memory album. I'm thankful and grateful for the awkward, hurtful, and painful memories too - they highlight the good ones and are a sign of our growth.

I know that you'll never leave my thoughts, prayers, and memories, but I pray that you never leave my life.

Your friendship has meant the world to me, and your love is unsurpassed. In the years that I've known you, my heart has shed it's skin and continues to grow. You've shown me the best of your soul, and I have displayed mine to you as well.

Where ever our lives decide to take us, I know we will both be happy and joyful because our souls are. Even if we are not physically together, our souls will soar together, lifting each other higher, towards our goals - guiding and lighting the way. We will protect each other - forever, I'm sure.

Our hearts have watched the other grow, and bleed, and love - that is the best gift that life can ever give anyone. At this very moment, I feel so very lucky. I don't hope that you feel the same way, because my heart tells me you do, my soul feels it; and it is happy because of it.

I love the beauty that exudes from your spirit and often wish that your spirit was the sun and that I could bathe in it - letting it kiss my skin and warm my body right to my soul. I can only thank you for all that you are for me, and to me - and offer to you the same from me. I love you so very much. Thank you my loving friend.

From my soul to yours.

Fighting my fears

As the end of the semester nears, I fear what I've always feared every since my adult life: Idleness. It seems that with each passing year idleness seems to scare me even more. It's such a catch 22 with me. I want things to do, so I fill my schedule up to the brim, and then I'm stressed out and complain. I've yet to find an even medium.

More often than not, I'm filing up my time to help me NOT think about issues that I know are bothering me or affecting me...this needs to stop.

Honestly, I'm tired of being told by people close to me that I have a brick up - that I'm a great emotional actress - because the honest to God truth is that I want so much to be honest about my feelings and emotions - my most inner ones. But, I'm so afraid of being vulnerable, and being hurt. I'm afraid of being seen as less of a strong person - of being judged for my choices and decisions in life - and probably even more - afraid to admit that sometimes, I have no idea about me and my life and how I'm supposed to feel.

Sometimes I feel so unbreakable, so confident in my life, goals, ambitions, etc. - and other times, I wonder.....
I know this is normal, but it feels terrifying every time. I like stability, but so much of my life is unstable right now - and I'm off balance because of it. It's harder to fight battles when you're not grounded in something... I just feel like my footing is kind of off right now.

A little bit about me...

I'm Carl Rogers, Julia Roberts, and Williams Shakespear all wrapped up in one! - lol,

I was bored and did a personality profile while in class - I think the results are pretty accurate =) (Take the Quiz Yourself!)

Personality Type Report

INTROVERT:
While you may not be anti-social, you do need (and deserve) your private time and space to retreat from the world. Unlike extroverts, you need to develop a concept of the world or some aspect of it before experiencing it. Too much socializing may sap your energies. Your energies are derived from exploring the inner world of ideas, impressions and pure thought.

INTUITIVE:
While you do process information through your senses you add a twist to your processing by relying on intuition and serendipity. You look for undercurrents of meaning and abstractions in what you experience physically. You do not just see things just as they are, but as what they could be. While you may rely on common sense at times, you trust inspiration far more.

PERCEIVING:
You like to have as much information as possible before making a decision. Putting off a final decision until the last moment does not make you uncomfortable. Indeed once a decision is made, a course plotted, you may feel a bit uneasy, because you feel bound to a certain course of action. You would much prefer to wait and see what happens. You enjoy the opportunity to improvise. Commitments are not etched in stone to you, and are changeable.

FEELING:
You make decisions subjectively based upon your values and what is important to you. How people will be affected by your decisions is important to you. You are likely to make decisions based upon what you feel is acceptable and agreeable rather than what is logical. Your truths are founded in your values and those of the society you live in. It is important to remember that we are discussing how you evaluate data and make decisions, and that you rely on your feelings to do so in no way implies you are overly emotional.

Your Personality Type Introvert/Intuitive/Feeling/Perceiving

You are devoted and compassionate. You have a well-developed distaste for rules, orders and schedules. You are a natural born learner and can get so absorbed in your projects that you forget those around you. You are passionate about your beliefs and love ideals. You have very high standards for yourself. You are very creative, sensitive, reserved, and introspective. You respect the values of others and expect them to respect yours.

In relationships you are loyal and totally committed. You prefer a few deep relationships over a horde of acquaintances. Because you are somewhat reserved, you do best in one on one and small group situations. When you feel comfortable, you can be very entertaining and capricious. You are nurturing and supportive by nature. You greatest social challenge is to balance your need to withdraw into your inner-world with your need to keep a strong connection with those you care for. .

Famous People of Your Type:
Homer, Virgil, Mary, mother of Jesus, St. John, St. Luke, William Shakespeare, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, A. A. Milne, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Helen Keller, Carl Rogers, Fred Rogers, Dick Clark, Donna Reed, Jacqueline Kennedy Onasis, Neil Diamond, Tom Brokaw, James Herriot, Annie Dillard, James Taylor, Julia Roberts, Scott Bakula, John F. Kennedy, Jr.

Occupations Suited to Your Type Include:
Actor, architect, artist, composer, editor, translator, journalist, librarian, musician, occupational therapist, psychotherapist, educator, researcher, scientist, and writer. <-------- I've wished I was all of those at one point in my life!!! (minus the occupational therapist and architect lol)

block

I want to write, but I can't. I'll just wait for inspiration....

Inspiration...please come forth and present yourself! I know you're there - I can feel you inside of me - just wanting to come out - please come out and help me bring some warmth or contentment into my life - I feel so cold and unsettled at his moment... I need you to wrap yourself around me, inspiration. I need you to whisper words of wisdom and innuendos to me - I need to feel comforted by you so that my words and thoughts flow freely through you - like water falling freely through the air forming a beautiful waterfall, or raindrops....like when I first found you and couldn't stop talking!
Oh inspiration... I need you right now... I need to feel you vibrating in my heart, my body - like the vibrations of my father's walk when he was coming to tuck me in for bed - familiar - soothing... I need you right now.
I need you to bring sound to my voice, I need you to bring my thoughts and words alive, as if they were being played on the keys of a piano - I need you to make me wanna sing....

I need you inspiration... I need you to help take this burden off of my mind, off my soul. I need your help to carry this weight off of me and help disperse it into the universe... I need you to help me feel light - like laying out in the sun all day... free, glowing, full of life, ready for the next adventure that will conjure up more inspiration...

Can you please show yourself inspiration... I'll be waiting patiently. =)

Above Anything Else

It's so wonderful that two beautiful creatures like us
could meet in this profoundly vast universe;
On this astonishingly amazing world.

Makes me feel honored to be chosen
to experience this feeling. Makes me feel,
hopeful about things to come;
Makes me want to give back,
give thanks to this world; this universe,
for allowing our particles to co-mingle.

There will be connections with other particles,
Perhaps. But none like this.
Uniqueness in everything is something, that
this universe will always provide.

I'll always crave this combination though,
this recipe, created by this universe.
Made with genuine emotions, laughter,
tears, honesty, intimacy, sharing -
and above anything else, Love.

Faith Part 2

okay, so this is the part that's hard for me....


I had faith (see my previous post), and despite my devotion to it, alas, it has failed me... what am I to do now? restore my faith in... in what? Is that the rule? If you put all your eggs in one basket and it falls over, then pick up what's salvageable and find something else to put your eggs in? Sooner or later you'll run out of eggs, or storage places - neither of which sounds good.



I'm tired of believing.. I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of wanting..... I'm tired of faith! I don't know what it wants from me. It wants my soul - it wants me to give it everything - and it leaves me here empty - that is.. after it's taken my hopes, my dreams, even the security that I had in my fears, - after it takes it all, and just leaves me here... to fill up with hope again? Are you serious? I just can't do it anymore.


I'm tired of looking for faith - I've lost it -and I don't want to find it anymore. I'm just so tired..
I feel as though the universe is slowly pulling energy out of me through my eyes in the form of tears.... crying is so exhausting. My eyes are swollen, they are red from stress and frustration. My eyes hurt, my heart hurts, my soul aches.... The only cure I have for this pain is to close my eyes... so I sleep, I sleep, I daydream, I keep my eyes closed for as long as I can to somehow alleviate the pain my eyes are causing me. I can't stop the tears... every waking hour is a battle between my mind, my throat, and those damn eyes.... My mind telling my throat, if you tense up long enough... you can stop the tears.. and my eyes laugh crookedly, telling my mind - this has nothing to do with you. I'm tired of fighting. I just want to relax, but I can't see clearly through these tears... and I'm so afraid, so lost.
I need to find my way again. Somehow I've stumbled onto this rainy street that looks so familiar, somehow I'd forgotten it was raining and didn't think to bring my umbrella. Never forget your umbrella.

Faith, please take pity on me. Maybe I'm wrong about what I want, but please show me the way - I can't take this anymore - it's too much, I'm not as strong as you've tried to build me up to be. I need your help right now, and you've abandoned me. (I feel like a faith-fiend, goodness) I just want to be me again...


Perhaps it's not faith that I'm having a gripe with, perhaps it's love, Perhaps its the realization that even if you want and believe in something so much - oh wait - no that sounds like faith, okay. It's time for me to stop feeding faith my eggs - it's time for me to learn to cook them myself.

Lessons in the Rain

I will now try to make this my “reflection” time –

It’s so strange, people say that you learn something new everyday, but, there are some days where you learn something that you already knew, but may have somehow forgotten. It’s usually the things that are most important to you as a being – these things that we continue to learn over again; these themes in our lives, must be recurrent, I’m assuming (I use the word assuming because I’m ‘only’ 26, and unfortunately, true wisdom comes with true old age). These instances when you have a day and you reflect on what you’ve learned and you come to the realization that you are in that same spot in your mind … that spot that you just knew was filled already – it’s a scary and sobering experience…

It’s a constant reminder that we can never stop searching, or living for what we want – for what we believe, for what we know in our hearts to be moral and valuable to us. Too many times we let our circumstances, whatever they may be, cast fog onto our path – and when the fog settles, it’s a brand new path, and blinded – we continue on this precipitated path, wet with all the traps and tests that we have already past – but, now, they look new.. and we feel a sense of accomplishment while we tread through this new found snow, sleet and hell – and when we get to the sunny part – when we finally see our path again – we realize that it was there all along – we had just forgotten to bring our umbrellas –

We have to shield ourselves from taking that detour – from walking backwards on our path – by creating an umbrella of learned lessons – our own personal web of truths, that we KNOW to be true for us- because we’ve crossed that bridge, because we have seen it already – because we have ‘been there’ and have vowed never to go back… willingly or not – we have to be stronger in our umbrella that we call our mind … we must shield against the rainy days of our lives…

But – aren’t the rainy days when people actually get a chance to think about them? – touché…

Dreams about My Mom

Everything reverts back to her- no matter what it is –if something really good happens – I think of her – if something really crappy goes wrong and I feel like shit – I think of her – I dream of her….
While in the train station waiting for this train to Rome after we missed our morning one, and after a mild spat, I tried to get some rest –I was hungry, cranky and tired ----- I dreamt of her again - I dreamt of her last night too… Last night I dreamt that I was at the Serenader and she was there, behind the bar – with her big smile and gap in her teeth =) just as charismatic as I remember her. Not feeble and stripped of her dignity and pride as I remember in her last few days… No one seemed to remember that she had passed – or rather, no one seemed it weird that she was there even though she had passed – people greeted her “we missed you Kim!” – I walked in and she smiled as if she knew what I was thinking… I couldn’t speak to her… I asked around – “what’s going on here?” - that’s really all I can remember – but, again in my dream I am disappointed in myself for not taking the opportunity to talk with her one last time….
In this dream- in the train station… I was at a family members house, it was me, my dad and Kim… and she walked in the door – her face was the same – not like before she passed –but like herself…. But she was short, really short –even shorter than Ba’Ngoai. She walked with a cane and she walked slowly. Despite that, she still had her glow and air of charisma that she carried with her everywhere…. And of course she still had her feisty fighting spirit – or at least I could feel it – I was sitting next to Kim on the couch, which was next to the door –Kim looked at her and greeted her like this was normal –my dad chimed in “Hey Kim!” , she looked at me and I still could not speak to her – tears started welding up in my eyes, I said to Kim - “but Mom’s dead” – Kim responded to me “ so, she’s right here now. What’s wrong?”.. didn’t have an answer – and as I tried to study this image of my mother and perhaps work up the courage to say something, it was too late – she was walking toward the back of the home, completely oblivious to anything happening in the front of the home – and I was left perplexed and empty – I awoke at that moment.
I think this dream disturbed me the most because out of all the dreams –this is the only one that she appeared in a way that I have never seen her in real life before – I usually picture her how she was right before she passed – or have snapshots of moments that happened while she was sick - or, my better dreams – when she was free of cancer – or at least cancer hadn’t gotten the best of her yet; But this dream was different – I saw her as a image of a feeble old woman, with a young woman’s face and spirit… and even in this distorted image, I could not work up the nerve to speak – even in my dreams.
Maybe one time I will speak with her, and she will tell me that she is okay – or I don’t know – maybe it will make me feel better. Maybe I will confront the issue I have with not really asking all the questions I wanted to before she passed – or not saying all I wanted to say – or doing all I wanted to do…
Almost a year later I am still feeling feelings as if she had passed last week. It’s so funny how resilient I seemed when it first happened – how sure of myself that I had prepared for her passing, and that it wouldn’t be that hard because we all knew she was sick and it wasn’t all of a sudden. How foolish of me. But, honestly, I don’t know if reacting differently at the time would have made a big difference on how I feel now.
I don’t know how to not let these feelings control me sometimes – and I hate feeling like I don’t have control over my emotions, or thoughts – perhaps that’s why these dreams disturb me so – I think maybe writing about it may be a good step – I haven’t been able to write about her since … well – I haven’t been able to write honestly about her death since it happened and even before it happened – I just hope that these feelings are getting stronger because it will be a year since it happened soon – and that I will eventually be able to think about her, or times that we’ve spent together, without completely breaking down inside – without feeling as if I say anything that I will completely fall apart. I hope that I will be able to talk to her to Aamayah without fear of scaring her half to death because I can’t stop crying, or because I’m so sad. I just want to be able to accept it and move on – it’s so hard. And what makes it even harder is to know that I will eventually have to go through this again with someone else with whom I deeply care for and love. There is no way to prepare – there is no way to know how it will effect you – even years later – It is a humbling and frightening experience – it takes you out of yourself…. And sometimes that’s not always a good thing.