Scared of Lonely

"talking about my fear of being lonely -in relationships and in life... and how it's ultimately tied to fears of death and not knowing if you'll be lonely or not...


I realized that I am terrified ......"

I wrote this on May 3, 2009 -  it's been sitting in my drafts for all this time. The first line was supposed to be the theme of the post - and, the next line was my first line - I remember... I was really "terrified"...  This post and several others sit in my draft folder - I wish that I would have taken the time to really reflect on them at the time I wanted to write them, and finish them. Alas - there's no time like the present! Being that this "theme" has remained true throughout the time I wrote it up until now  - I feel like it's still a very worthy topic to explore for myself. 


I believe that what struck my writing bug to post this one was Beyonce's song - "Scared of Lonely"... I remember hearing that song - no...really - a lot of songs off of that album, and just bawling... I was in a very... unstable place at the time. Maybe it's all linked to this:


About a month or two before my mom passed, she was in and out of the hospital, and naturally - she had a lot of visitors... my father included. I'll never forget that time he came to visit her in the emergency room. It was me, and my aunt - and my father - all in there with her. She shared something with my father that day, that shifted my view of my mom and her relationships, and... her strength, and her being "hard" - and just...everything... 

My dad was talking to her - telling her how hard it was for him to see her like this. It was hard for all of us. She... My Mother.... her spirit.. was so.. strong, so tough - NOTHING touched her... she got through everything with a smile, or a slew of cuss words...but - never-the-less, she got through it. - they talked for a while - about nothing at all really - you never really know what to talk about with someone going through something like that - especially after all they've been through. More than I'll ever know. Anywho - towards the end of the visit - she got really serious...and she told my dad something that I never thought I'd hear come out of my mother's mouth. 

I don't remember the exact words she used... I was so stunned. She told him that, she had never stopped loving him. That, after him, she was never able to love anyone the way that she loved him. I think my dad was stunned too. I was stunned because...mainly - from what I've seen - it never really seemed that my mom was hurt, or effected by anything - I was so young, but... I don't know why I was under the impression that she was made of stone - but...she was always so...strong... nothing ever got to her - I guess I assumed that she had always been that way - It never crossed my mind that the experiences in her life made her that way. So, for the first time... I saw her... hurt, vulnerable, expressing her feelings... crying for love. It was so powerful. At that moment - I felt so many different emotions.... I respected my mother more than I have ever respected her before... her strength through out the years - carrying that inside of her - how hard it must have been for her. With that respect... I also felt a large sense of sorrow - knowing that my mother felt that way - all that time... I wished that she was able to let it go - or share that with my father before she reached her death bed.... the possibilities for her happiness - the things she could have experienced...the things that she could have felt..... but - perhaps, my mother - of ALL people... was scared. Scared of being hurt, the way that she was before - afraid of loving again... I don't know. I wish I had enough courage to ask. Along with all those other feelings - I was angered... angered and hurt that I didn't know THAT mother - that there were still sides to my mom, that I had yet to see, yet to experience - and even still I was excited that I would get to learn them (at that time, I was still in denial about everything... I knew she would pull it through). All I know is...I'm thankful I got to witness my mother at that moment - and while I'm very thankful - I KNOW that moment made me fear being alone even more. If this strong woman that I call my mother could feel like this - what did that mean for me?!. 

I've always been terrified of being alone. I used to have dreams about being left in the middle of a public area by my father - or mother - or whom ever - and wake up in tears, or screaming - it was serious. I don't really know what I'm afraid of. I've been a "loner" for most of my life. I lived with my father alone - without my brothers and sisters... I was an "outsider" in school because I'm wasn't a popular extrovert and didn't have fancy clothes, or a cool talent... I didn't mind really - I was a people watcher anyway - more "loner" type activities that just didn't pan out well with potential friends.... ----> I've always been alone in a sense -but - I always wanted more. Somewhere in me, there was/is this person, that... wants the whole world to know me, and love me, and look at me, and see me... for who I am --- for what I have to offer - for the great wonderful person that I am. I guess I've always looked for that validation from someone who didn't have to tell me because they were in my family. The first time that I got that validation - I took it and ran - and when I was hurt - it was just that much harder for me to let go the next time... the domino effect starts...and oh does it happen fast!  Some where in the middle of my fear and hurt.... I lost that person that I wanted everyone to see, and listen to, and love... I gave up part of myself with every fear that I tried to avoid associated with wanting to be loved, and not abandoned...completely lost in fear and desire. "Its crazy what people will do when they're afraid" - I heard that somewhere - and man - if that isn't one of the truest quotes that I've seen. I still reminisce about something that a very good friend told me once on this very topic. They told me that, my fears were real, my concerns were real...but the security that I was looking for - the security of knowing that someone loves me, and cares for me, and only wants me, and will never leave me... that security - is always just a "sense" of security - that no security is ever real... I couldn't really appreciate those words for what they meant - especially since I was so wrapped up in my desire for that very security - but... I know what they mean now. 


I am still afraid of being alone. I still want nothing more but to know FOR SURE that when it's my time - that I will have someone, a significant other - to love me, and care for me, and carry my memory of love beyond the years that my body have on this earth. I want that sooooo bad. I used want it bad enough that I would give everything - even myself - all that I believe and stand for - for it ..... I think I still want it as bad...LOL, but, I'm learning another lesson that a very dear friend taught me as well. Not to miss your blessing looking for what you THINK it looks like.... I already have a wealth of family and friends that care about me, and love me - and want the best for me. Sure, I desire and still want that...that type of love that I would get from a romantic partner - but, I don't want to loose who I am trying to get it. I'm still very much in this battle....I still fear being alone - but, I think more than that - I fear losing myself. I'd rather be alone with myself - and know who I am - than to get what I desire - and be lost to those who have loved me the most all my life - namely, myself. 

Mother's Day is Coming....

In preparation for my sister's wedding, I keep getting reminded that Mother's day is coming up.... man.


Momma... it's almost been 4 years....


I can remember it so vividly... It was a Thursday night/Friday morning....November 7, 2008. I had gotten off a little bit earlier from bartending than usual - she was in the hospital - about 5 minutes away from the bar.... I couldn't deal with it that night - I made a right instead and got onto the freeway towards Sacramento - towards my apartment - my safe haven.... As I passed the race track in El Cerrito on 880 - I got a phone call - it was my brother - I guess they were waiting until I was off.... He asked me where I was. "driving back home" I told him... he said I need to get to the hospital now. I said, why, what's going on?! - "Just hurry and get here, it's not looking good"...  


I was optimistic. Even after just 3 days earlier, - the day Obama got elected into office -... as I pulled up in Davis to see history being made with friends, I got a phone call from my sister... we found out that the cancer that had spread to her brain was continuing to spread, and that chemo or radiation wouldn't help - that we would have to decide whether or not if we wanted to do surgery.... before we could do that - it had spread so much that surgery wasn't even an option anymore... 


I was still optimistic when I turned around and tears started to stream down my eyes. All I could think of was her, in pain, fighting this cancer in her body - trying so hard to take her over.... it could never take her spirit though. I was optimistic when I walked into the hospital and walked into the ICU section.... but - all my optimism died when I talked to the attending nurse.
"I'm here to see my mom, Do... Do Jefferson" - "Yes, right this way - she's in room 13, you'll need to put on this visitor pass first though ma'am.".... Room 13! Room 13?... Room 13 :(. I know I'm super superstitious sometimes - but, something in me knew... something in me just knew that the fight was over. I didn't want to believe it though. 


I ran into my brother and sister in the hallway before I got into the room. They were in tears, pain, consoling each other. I quickly asked them what was going on. They said that they were glad I had finally made it - I was the last one. I didn't ask anymore questions, we all headed towards the room.


Everyone was crowded around my mom. My grandmother was there, all my uncles and aunts, my brothers and sisters, my nieces and nephews...way more than just 3 visitors in here... I knew something was up. She saw me, and her eyes grew larger. I could tell she was happy to see me. I wonder what I looked like when I looked at her. I know what I felt. I felt...scared, and ashamed that I was just going to go home and pretend like life wasn't happening around me. I felt terrified, and I felt like wanting to rip all of those IV's out of my mother's arms for her, and heal her from all of her pain, and suffering - to just erase the chemo, the breast surgery, the losing hair , the endless meds - just...everything. 


Everyone was crying. She was in so much pain, and couldn't really talk much. I was afraid to touch her in fear of hurting her more, but, I did anyway. I was happy I did, and I could tell she was too. I'm sobbing by this time, and I kiss her, and hug her the best I can with all of those cords around her. Not much talking... a lot of feeling. She passed not too long after that. We were all around, and... her eyes opened wide, like....like she was scared... I couldn't tell if she was in extreme pain, or was just terrified..., and then... just as quickly, there was a calm in her face...her soul had left her body - she was no longer with us in the flesh. 


It all happened so fast. I couldn't believe anything that was happening. There are pieces that are missing that I can't piece together, but, I'll never forget her face, and I'll never forget feeling like.... she waited for me. She waited for me to get there to pass. She stayed in pain, she kept fighting until she could see me, and say goodbye to me. A great mom all the way to the end. I love her and I miss her so much. I'd give anything in the world to just be in her presence again. To just be able to call her and tell her that I love her. 


Thank you for waiting for me, Mom... I know it took a lot to keep fighting for that long. I'll never forget that - I'll remember it for the rest of my life, and as far as my soul lets me remember.