Acceptance

My father just got through talking to me about 3 friends of his that have passed recently - one just last week, someone he's know for over 45 years... someone that he's shared memories with before I was even imagined into the realms of this world. Much like how my father confided in me when my mom passed...about his feelings about after life - he's fears of the unknown...I had an awkward moment when I didn't know what to say. But, unlike those other moments, I stepped outside of myself, and spoke up...offered condolences that a daughter would, asked him questions about his friend - their life, his memories that he had of them when he was with my mother... I felt myself get closer to my father than I have ever felt before, and I feel pretty close to him :).


I find myself having these more grown up, authentic, life talks with the important people around me. My grandmother went to the hospital last night - heart problems. Nothing too serious, but, everytime, it's a wake up call. It was interesting... the feeling I had when talking to my dad. Normally - I am terrified of the thought of death -the mere mentioning of it's presence in this world would make me embody the three monkey statues (hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil)... but, this time - I wasn't overcome with fear. Yes, it's still there - the omnipresent idea of death at any corner - for anybody, at anytime... but, instead of being afraid... I was happy - happy that my father is still living - that he still has minutes, hours, days... I pray years - to do what he sees fit for himself - his children... his life. I was happy that I still have chances to right wrongs that I feel I can change - that I still get a chance to continue to make a difference and impact my daughters life hands on... Happy to be in that moment - reflecting on my father's years before me, and hear him talk about him living his life - when he was about my age... I found myself appreciating life - rather than being afraid to live it.


When my mom passed, I didn't know what changed - but I knew something in me had changed... drastically. I couldn't put my finger on it - and, I still can't pin point the change either- but, it was monumental - something that everyone outside of my family near to me noticed. I was (or am) operating on a different perspective on life after that... and I'm not sure that I really knew how, or was ready to fully embrace life through that perspective. I didn't want to - I didn't want to have to believe that she was gone. That she would never be there any more to offer advice, a shoulder to lean on, ginger pepper chicken when I was sick... I couldn't believe that death was a part of this life - my life. I guess that's all part of the process - denial... everyone has to go through it, and there is never really and set time frames for any of the stages. And, while it felt good to be able to deny the obvious when I was doing it -it feels better now that I am learning acceptance.


As her birthday nears (the 3rd one that she will have spent away physically) I don't feel myself dreaded the day. I'm not balled up in the corner of my shower bawling, I'm not staring off to space during a visit or a meeting. I am acknowledging all my feelings... good and bad... and embracing them... being with them... with her. I look forward to the day that i can celebrate the day that my mother was brought into this world, the day that my destiny and existence became a more tangible part of the universe. I will drink her favorite drinks, eat her favorite foods, and sing her favorite songs - because i know that she lives through me. Although I will never know lessons that I know she wanted to share with me -I have the ones that she did, and those will live on forever. :). My mom was a very strong woman, who had been through a lot, and she didn't let cancer get her down..at least not without a fight - and I won't continue to let cancer tarnish wonderful memories that I have of her.


I try very hard not to envision her with cancer when I think of her... it's easier around her birthday :)... but, as November nears, I know that it will be a struggle. I'm just thankful for the life and family and friends that I have with me now - and even more thankful for the family and friends that can help me in remembering my mother, ones who have been blessed with the opportunity to have met her in her and their lifetime - she was truly one phenomenal woman. I love her...lol.


All I can do is live my life to my fullest potential, give love, receive it, and hopefully fill my daughter with enough love to out live both of our lives. :) Acceptance, of even the hard things, is nice - I mean, it's a starting point. :)

The Ox and the Mule

There are some things that I have been thinking about in terms of me getting "there" - and I feel it, and you keep mentioning, that..I'm changing, that I'm almost there, that you know I will get there, and like I said, I feel that too - but, I'm starting to think that maybe I just can't get there fast enough for you - that maybe I can't reach the finish line before you're gone... Maybe, no matter how hard I try, and how hard I push myself... you're just too far ahead and I won't be able to walk the stage with you...

Not saying that it's a 'fault' thing, like, not that I'm not trying, and not that you haven't been patient and have been pushing me, coaching me along... but thinking that it could just be a timing thing... Perhaps we're both too focused with our life "goal" - to get married, and have (more) kids that we are trying to get there too fast, because we don't want to be on the journey too long - we don't want to risk getting tired, and losing the race.. or worse, getting injured and not being able to finish. Perhaps I'm trying to push myself too hard, that...I'm not seeing the internal damage that it might be doing to my or our overall 'career' - sure, I might finish this race with flying colors, but what about future races? What about the blow that this race is taking on me, and how it's affecting my ability to continue for the long run? what about the same exact questions for my 'coach'? - should I pace myself... or is this a qualifying race, and once I'm done here, then, the rest of the race will be moderate speed?... But, with a race this serious --- racing life ---- aren't all of the races qualifying? so... should I just pace myself, and just be ok with the fact that sometimes I won't qualify for all the races, but, eventually, I'll get there, and I'll win... I could see myself doing that - if I was racing alone - but.. the thing is...when you're working with a coach, and they are pushing you - you don't want to let them down... and they don't want to see you fail... and, the problem with me saying or accepting that I would be OK with pacing myself instead of running at 100% all the time, is that... me asking myself... is my COACH ok with that? will my coach take all that training that he put me through, and say... ok, lets just work with what I've given you and take it slow for a while... or will my coach be too focused on thier end goal - with getting thier runner, to win... ASAP, at any cost...

In one case, they (the runner and the coach) work together, through both of their frustrations and goals.. no matter what - until BOTH of them are exhausted of their resources and power - in the end, the runner has either ran the race, and won... or, maybe not - but they can be confident that they have tried every exercise, every routine in order to reach their maximum potential together....

in the other, one of their goals becomes more significant, or more pressing than the bond that they've created with their runner or coach - they start focusing more on their goal, instead of the other...and, they loose sight as to why they even wanted to work with each other in the first place... not to win, but... because they knew that they could work so well together - they had similar styles, and similar routines... the runner reminded the coach of their self...... in so many ways... In this last case, both the coach and the runner loose - the runner must now either run the race alone, taking the information given to him by his coach - and run the best race he can or perhaps find coaching somewhere else, that might enhance his earlier coaches teachings... and the coach, must either retire from coaching, or.. find another runner, perhaps who may need less coaching, and is on a level with which the coach feels more comfortable working at... to reach their goals... either way - no race has been won here - all subsequent races have been disqualified, and stricken from the schedule...

I don't know what all of this really means - It really just felt like something I needed to get out - I hope... no... I pray, that I am able to see the positive and light in any choice that the runner, or the coach chooses to make. The runner has no control over the coach, and the coach, has no real control over the runner. They can only control themselves... and push themselves to be the best runner, or coach, or just person that they can be... and hopefully... they might be able to be a team again - or, at least get to see one, or both of them, win a race, even if not together...


"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together. " - Deuteronomy 22:10 (ass is a donkey...lol)