My father just got through talking to me about 3 friends of his that have passed recently - one just last week, someone he's know for over 45 years... someone that he's shared memories with before I was even imagined into the realms of this world. Much like how my father confided in me when my mom passed...about his feelings about after life - he's fears of the unknown...I had an awkward moment when I didn't know what to say. But, unlike those other moments, I stepped outside of myself, and spoke up...offered condolences that a daughter would, asked him questions about his friend - their life, his memories that he had of them when he was with my mother... I felt myself get closer to my father than I have ever felt before, and I feel pretty close to him :).
I find myself having these more grown up, authentic, life talks with the important people around me. My grandmother went to the hospital last night - heart problems. Nothing too serious, but, everytime, it's a wake up call. It was interesting... the feeling I had when talking to my dad. Normally - I am terrified of the thought of death -the mere mentioning of it's presence in this world would make me embody the three monkey statues (hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil)... but, this time - I wasn't overcome with fear. Yes, it's still there - the omnipresent idea of death at any corner - for anybody, at anytime... but, instead of being afraid... I was happy - happy that my father is still living - that he still has minutes, hours, days... I pray years - to do what he sees fit for himself - his children... his life. I was happy that I still have chances to right wrongs that I feel I can change - that I still get a chance to continue to make a difference and impact my daughters life hands on... Happy to be in that moment - reflecting on my father's years before me, and hear him talk about him living his life - when he was about my age... I found myself appreciating life - rather than being afraid to live it.
When my mom passed, I didn't know what changed - but I knew something in me had changed... drastically. I couldn't put my finger on it - and, I still can't pin point the change either- but, it was monumental - something that everyone outside of my family near to me noticed. I was (or am) operating on a different perspective on life after that... and I'm not sure that I really knew how, or was ready to fully embrace life through that perspective. I didn't want to - I didn't want to have to believe that she was gone. That she would never be there any more to offer advice, a shoulder to lean on, ginger pepper chicken when I was sick... I couldn't believe that death was a part of this life - my life. I guess that's all part of the process - denial... everyone has to go through it, and there is never really and set time frames for any of the stages. And, while it felt good to be able to deny the obvious when I was doing it -it feels better now that I am learning acceptance.
As her birthday nears (the 3rd one that she will have spent away physically) I don't feel myself dreaded the day. I'm not balled up in the corner of my shower bawling, I'm not staring off to space during a visit or a meeting. I am acknowledging all my feelings... good and bad... and embracing them... being with them... with her. I look forward to the day that i can celebrate the day that my mother was brought into this world, the day that my destiny and existence became a more tangible part of the universe. I will drink her favorite drinks, eat her favorite foods, and sing her favorite songs - because i know that she lives through me. Although I will never know lessons that I know she wanted to share with me -I have the ones that she did, and those will live on forever. :). My mom was a very strong woman, who had been through a lot, and she didn't let cancer get her down..at least not without a fight - and I won't continue to let cancer tarnish wonderful memories that I have of her.
I try very hard not to envision her with cancer when I think of her... it's easier around her birthday :)... but, as November nears, I know that it will be a struggle. I'm just thankful for the life and family and friends that I have with me now - and even more thankful for the family and friends that can help me in remembering my mother, ones who have been blessed with the opportunity to have met her in her and their lifetime - she was truly one phenomenal woman. I love her...lol.
All I can do is live my life to my fullest potential, give love, receive it, and hopefully fill my daughter with enough love to out live both of our lives. :) Acceptance, of even the hard things, is nice - I mean, it's a starting point. :)
