Everything reverts back to her- no matter what it is –if something really good happens – I think of her – if something really crappy goes wrong and I feel like shit – I think of her – I dream of her….
While in the train station waiting for this train to Rome after we missed our morning one, and after a mild spat, I tried to get some rest –I was hungry, cranky and tired ----- I dreamt of her again - I dreamt of her last night too… Last night I dreamt that I was at the Serenader and she was there, behind the bar – with her big smile and gap in her teeth =) just as charismatic as I remember her. Not feeble and stripped of her dignity and pride as I remember in her last few days… No one seemed to remember that she had passed – or rather, no one seemed it weird that she was there even though she had passed – people greeted her “we missed you Kim!” – I walked in and she smiled as if she knew what I was thinking… I couldn’t speak to her… I asked around – “what’s going on here?” - that’s really all I can remember – but, again in my dream I am disappointed in myself for not taking the opportunity to talk with her one last time….
In this dream- in the train station… I was at a family members house, it was me, my dad and Kim… and she walked in the door – her face was the same – not like before she passed –but like herself…. But she was short, really short –even shorter than Ba’Ngoai. She walked with a cane and she walked slowly. Despite that, she still had her glow and air of charisma that she carried with her everywhere…. And of course she still had her feisty fighting spirit – or at least I could feel it – I was sitting next to Kim on the couch, which was next to the door –Kim looked at her and greeted her like this was normal –my dad chimed in “Hey Kim!” , she looked at me and I still could not speak to her – tears started welding up in my eyes, I said to Kim - “but Mom’s dead” – Kim responded to me “ so, she’s right here now. What’s wrong?”.. didn’t have an answer – and as I tried to study this image of my mother and perhaps work up the courage to say something, it was too late – she was walking toward the back of the home, completely oblivious to anything happening in the front of the home – and I was left perplexed and empty – I awoke at that moment.
I think this dream disturbed me the most because out of all the dreams –this is the only one that she appeared in a way that I have never seen her in real life before – I usually picture her how she was right before she passed – or have snapshots of moments that happened while she was sick - or, my better dreams – when she was free of cancer – or at least cancer hadn’t gotten the best of her yet; But this dream was different – I saw her as a image of a feeble old woman, with a young woman’s face and spirit… and even in this distorted image, I could not work up the nerve to speak – even in my dreams.
Maybe one time I will speak with her, and she will tell me that she is okay – or I don’t know – maybe it will make me feel better. Maybe I will confront the issue I have with not really asking all the questions I wanted to before she passed – or not saying all I wanted to say – or doing all I wanted to do…
Almost a year later I am still feeling feelings as if she had passed last week. It’s so funny how resilient I seemed when it first happened – how sure of myself that I had prepared for her passing, and that it wouldn’t be that hard because we all knew she was sick and it wasn’t all of a sudden. How foolish of me. But, honestly, I don’t know if reacting differently at the time would have made a big difference on how I feel now.
I don’t know how to not let these feelings control me sometimes – and I hate feeling like I don’t have control over my emotions, or thoughts – perhaps that’s why these dreams disturb me so – I think maybe writing about it may be a good step – I haven’t been able to write about her since … well – I haven’t been able to write honestly about her death since it happened and even before it happened – I just hope that these feelings are getting stronger because it will be a year since it happened soon – and that I will eventually be able to think about her, or times that we’ve spent together, without completely breaking down inside – without feeling as if I say anything that I will completely fall apart. I hope that I will be able to talk to her to Aamayah without fear of scaring her half to death because I can’t stop crying, or because I’m so sad. I just want to be able to accept it and move on – it’s so hard. And what makes it even harder is to know that I will eventually have to go through this again with someone else with whom I deeply care for and love. There is no way to prepare – there is no way to know how it will effect you – even years later – It is a humbling and frightening experience – it takes you out of yourself…. And sometimes that’s not always a good thing.
